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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Arizona Love is a funny thing.A couple of years ago I met a guy.A guy that I fell in love with the very first time I saw him.I knew he was the one that very first night I seen him.We were together for a year.And in that year I felt love...I felt anger..I felt it all.Thats what love kindof is right?To feel all these feelings all at once?The worst I felt was when I found those disgusting vagina pictures.I told him that no explanation was necessary.And I left.I left him to deal with his own problems and I left him to be in the pain that he deserved.I was happy with him...I was okay with everything we did together and I was cool just to hang out with him.This past weekend I went to Arizona and met up with that guy again.I didnt realize that he was so hurt by me not listening about the pictures that he wanted to put a bullet in his head.I didnt realize that I hurt him so bad by leaving him that he was numb for over a year.I also didnt realize what a weekend of emotions could do to two people who thought that they would be "cured"by spending time together.I had a blast with him.We went to a strip club where I fell off my chair and got a "chair"burn and told him that the strippers in Arizona gave me a rash...damn whores.We laughed so hard we cried.We went to Alice Coopers restaurant...where we had desert and it was yummy.The Lucinda concert fucking rocked.We sang our burnt lungs out,had a couple test tube shots.And I told people that I was going to put my eggs in these test tubes and bring them home.He bought me a shirt,and since he held on to that..I wanted to save the test tubes for memories...So I stuck them in my underwear and called it a package.I tried to pick a cactus flower and laughed so hard because of how bad he felt when my fingers were covered in prickles...laughed even harder when I got them on my legs and almost cried when I was still finding them the next day.This past weekend I realized that I useto have alot of fun with him...I just wasent ready for the type of fun that he could give.I no longer can be angry about strippers...he made me feel like I was the prettiest on this planet...small boobs and all.I no longer am angry at him for shoving shit up his nose.I am no longer angry at him for anything...not even the pictures.This guy is still in love with me.I heard it in his voice and I could see it in his eyes.This guy that was the one the first time I seen him.I miss that guy as I type this.When I was with him ,he was fun...but now he is even more fun.This past weekend brought back feelings that I had when I first met him.I have a plan now.This past weekend made me think of life and how drama free it can be and how happy it can be and how two people that battle with depression can make each other smile.And it was always like that with him.It was always so....so...breath taking fun.It was breathable.In 5 years my child will be 18,I am not saying that I am kicking him out or leaving him entirely.But I am going.I will be gone from this place I call home in 5 years.Im taking what money I have and I am heading out west...get a job for some months and then do it again.In 5 years I will still talk to this guy who still loves me..and hopefully in 5 years...he will still have his motor home because then I am going to spend it with him.In 5 years,things might be different and he could fall in love with someone and so could I..but I havent fallen in love in a long time and dont really want to.And i know that he will keep his heart open for me,because he has already done that.In 5 years...Im going tolive a drama free life,and its going t be fun,and I am going to feel like I am the only chick in the world..because that is how he makes me feel.And there were these long pauses between us where i could just feel the love and you know..I just havent had that with very many people.I can fall back into love with this guy if I spent more time with him.I know i could.Cause it was starting to happen before I left.Its not the time right now though.And maybe in 5 years it wont be the right time either.Who knows.The whole time we were together...a whole year...we never battled depression,and if we did we laughed it off...cause we made each other smile.And that felt really good this weekend.The "rash" from the whores didnt feel so good,the prickes didnt feel so good,and I really wanted to knock the security guard out at the concert when he told us to quiet down,its a fucking concert you jackoff and I have a "package"...but that smile?That smile that we both had on our faces for the whole weekend?It felt good.It felt good to know that I could always make him smile and it felt good to know that he can still make me smile...even if the vagina pictures didnt. 11:12 p.m. - 2007-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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