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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now...how I remember
just.....breathe I have been back in "my world"for these past couple of days.Sipping wine in the sunlight.Running through grassy fields.Singing in the grocery stores.Laying down with the dogs in the woods.Closing my eyes...just to breathe.My aunt died this morning.I was drunk with sleep when she died,drunk with beer and drunk with love.I went about my normal business today.Ran with the dogs...ran so fast,I let go of their leashes.., running even faster.Today I could breathe.Today I had to breathe.I picked dandelions,lots of them,and i threw them up into the air.And I did yoga while i jammed.Smoked a bowl in my make believe hot tub and let the heat get to me.I napped today.I breathed today.I dont relax enough.Always on the go...always doing something.Adult a.d.d. x"s 3 .I took time out today to ENJOY the things i do.That walking the dogs is not a chore.That going outside to hang up laundry is actually quite fun.Have I ever told you how good I am at death?I shut the dead out but keep them alive in my thoughts,in my own little world,where i can pick dandelions and sing with my eyes closed in the middle of the soup aisle.Where I can try to re-live moments,try to remember moments.All those embarrassing things that most people wouldnt do,all those things that make you want to stare ,singing with her eyes shut,in the middle of that soup aisle.Maybe Josh is right.Maybe i am weird.How do you know what that "weird"person has been through?How do you know that that lady that walks around in tight spandex and a fanny pack...how do you know if she is weird?Or the guy that rides his bikes and sings "im proud to be an American"..how can you judge him?So today when I laid down with the dogs,I didnt care that there were people around,that they could see me,when i talked to my dogs like they were people?I didnt care who listened.I didnt care who heard.There was a time a couple years ago,where I shut my eyes,sang and moved or so very slightly.In a middle of a bar with the juxebox playing.I breathed back then and i lived back then.My aunt died today and me...me?I started living a bit more.Afraid that maybe the soul keeper is coming...and he cant take my soul...not yet.Last night I wanted to get married.Today i realized that I want him to be my last love.Today i realized that this love bullshit has got to end.I know who I love,and who i dont.And there were times that I just said it just to say it because it wasent such a big deal,it wouldnt matter cause it wouldnt last.I have *loved*alot of people.But I have only really fell in love twice.So my aunt died today and I realized that I have only fell in love twice....and I have lied..I have told a handful of men that i loved them...but dont you think that if its real...dont cha think that if it was real...he would feel it too?You wouldnt have to say it...you would be able to see it in the eyes,in the smile...you drive yourself crazy watching that person?Yea...that kindof falling in love.I am making my back room into a yoga/meditation room.I am going to smoke more pot.And I am going to breathe.My aunt dies and i get more fresh air..Death is kindof funny.How it affects people...it makes me want to live more.It makes me need to live more.It teaches me every time.I wont cry at her funeral...not like how i would want to.....I will wait,until i shut out the dead and have them come alive in my thoughts...in my head,my heart,my moves,sometimes everything,but thats me...and if you can love me the way i am...and you can make me feel that love?Then maybe I am totally in love with you more then I thought I was.My aunts life ended this morning..and mine started.Hes different you know.different now more then ever.Im in love with him now...I wasent before...before I couldnt feel it...before i didnt show it...and now?Now?That feeling?I have felt that before...with the first love...thats love.A handful of guys...he was was one of them.I love yous are so over rated.Another heart stopped beating today and mine started.I am in love,and I know that this isnt the right time.And i am okay with that.My aunt lived her life.I felt it today,She left but she gave me breath.I like being in love rather then loving people I think.Loving people hurts...being in love dosent.Being in love means that you take that extra breath....and use it to breathe.Find your happy place.Throw up a wave just to see what happens...watch peoples what the fuck look and laugh and live life...because someday you will be gone too..and maybe someday some can close their eyes and think of you...and they can think how much they loved you..or maybe how much they are in love with you.My aunt dies and I loved her...it makes me sad to think of her...love sucks.But this being in love?Ah...I think of Kyle and I can smile...and i can close my eyes and think about drunken parking lots on a white mustang..and i smile.Love life....Be in love with life.Be in love with love.Be happy.Cry when you wanna cry.Sing when you want to sing.Go to bed thinking thoughts of what you enjoy.And breathe.Im not good with death.It makes me more alive.It makes me a bit more weirder.It makes me live.im not good at being in love neither.It makes me sing louder,it makes me breathe better...makes me a bit weird as well.I want to die knowing that I was happy ...knowing that I felt love and laughter and knowing that I lived. 9:30 p.m. - 2007-05-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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