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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i remember Sometimes you just dont care anymore.You've been beaten...you've been bruised.You just dont care anymore.Thats the story with me right now.Big mexican guys are quite possessive...He rang my door bell the other night...and over and over again.Whatever.I hesitated to open my door.I really didnt know who it cold be..yet when they didnt give up...I answered. Big mexican came by.I acted as though I cared about this "big job"and I even acted like I understood.I dont fucking care.He can change...he can prove..but you know what?I just....dont...fucking...care.I have a good life..I have a fun time..I can do without.I like being the person I am and not someone who I am not.I dont want to be accepted unless I can be me.Im tired.Tired of trying...and you know what..im also tired of finding people in the bar.My crush?My little crush from the gym?Yea...fuck him...most likey a good NORMAL deal..but ya know what?No effort.I live for a relationship that I will never get.Its a habit.Im a habit.I tend to latch on and let go..its quite easy.I get others to latch on.All the bad ones latch on....thats what I look for and thats what I get.Im tired of it.Tired of being nice.Tired of just...caring.Its funny.I just dont give a fuck anymore.Im going to do what I wanna do.And Im gonna meet people and Im going to have fun and live.I cant live with anyone..I cant love anyone like that just yet.I cant.Enough said.My heart is taken and I can love and I can hug you and I can so love you...but its not that LOVE..its not that...LOVE.Why even try to have a relationship when you know that this is how it is?Im stuck.Stuck in a world that is just mine...that I cant and that I wont share.My past means alot to me and I can never let go..and no matter how hard I try..I cant.I just cant let go...of the good times...of the bad times...of the times that you wish you could just erase....but ya cant...cause thats the good?Oh Im sure it makes no sense.But to me?To me?This is it?I just ...fucking...can...not...let...go.Its so stupid.I tend to go for the ones that have nothing to offer...ones that put on a good act..ones that wont make me happy.Ones that I cant compare.The past.A funny thing.I loved him.I love him.It was the best.I was happy.I was so happy.I loved him.I love him.The past.Get over it right?Yea.I cant forget if I dont compare right?Yea.He was good.He was really good to me.He made me feel as though I meant the world.I havent had that feeling since.Because I just dont allow it.I miss to many things.Its been a while ya know?Its been a while since I allowed myself to look past alot of things and go brand new.I did it once and look what happened.Apparently it was just that....not worth it.Just not worth caring about .Then why did I care?That care took me no where.It took me right where I am today...nowhere.So I am a bit fucked up now.To much beer..not enough pot... But I know how I feel though.I feel the same way as I did when I woke up this morning.I feel as though nothing will be the same..nothing will ever be the same..and nothing will ever get my butterflies flying again.Not a good way to wake up hey?Yea...good secret Teresa.Medication dosent even help me folks.I laugh..I smile..I have a good time...but he is always on my mind....always.Always with me...Always listening to me...Always there for me.Someone I cant have.Someone I can never have again.Someone I love.Someone I miss.Someone who just still...my ...world.Someone who I just cant leave...not yet.Not yet. 1:04 a.m. - 2007-04-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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