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Future habits
The boyfriend is doing the habit tonight...I am almost positive.See,its funny how I can figure shit out.It started last night.We went to the bar,to MY bar,and I was noticing how the bar folk were acting,shit was flying last night.Everyone...well almost everyone were coked out.Which of course is not unusual in my bar,maybe thats why I like it so much..I dont haveto be get all geeked up...I am naturally like that.Anyways,I am sure that the Vernage was itching to put some up his nose.His friend starts talking to him about buying some and of course the vernage says that I dont do it and that he is trying to quit.Okay...thats cool..I give him a high five for that,so now maybe I am wrong,but a bit later he goes into the bathroom,maybe just to pee,maybe to buy some,maybe he did shove it up his nose.Whatever he did,he did,one will never know unless theres questions and I dont like questions that haveto do with the habit.So of course tonight I closed the bar at work,and usually he comes in or he will call or something.But you know what?There was nothing.No visiting me,not even a call.No call at home,no message on the machine.And for someone who wants to be with me all the time and bla,bla,bla...he always talks to me.But not today.Nope.Today,tonight he is flying..I am almost sure of it.And you know what?I really dont care. Living on sugar mountains I haveto give him some sort of pat on the back.At lease I didnt haveto deal with him,and at lease I dont know for a
fact kindof deal.He has been pushing the subject of living together on me.No.Not going to happen any time soon.First of all,you hide your friends drugs in your house...it wouldnt happen if it was "our"house,and then that would lead to the start of very many problems.Second,for someone who has had the habit for what?Maybe 20 years,maybe 5...who knows but either way...it cant be very easy to stop it all,and no fucking chick is going to make that happen....regardless how much "love"
there is.I am not scared to try to live with someone again,not at all.I am scared to put myself into a situation and not being able to do anything about it.Scared of being stuck.I am not stupid,I am not about to jump at the chance of living with a want to be retired cokehead.And losing what I have now.Thats great that he is trying and all that crap,but even that isnt good enough for me,and I never told him to change.I just told him how I felt about the habit,so if he wants to quit...
wonderful.If not ...fine.I dont really care either way.But I wont live with someone who has that habit,or with someone who has it around.So if he ever wants to live with me,he has got to break the habit.And not just be clean for 3 weeks kindof deal....and not one of those"oh,I just dont buy it"either.My opinion on that stupid drug is just that.Its stupid.It makes you do stupid things.It makes you say stupid things.It makes you lose things and it changes a person.I have no room in my life for something like that.Yea..I smoke pot.Big deal.Its not expensive and of course I could save some money and bla,bla.I dont do it every flippin day,if I dont have extra money for it,I go without.I dont ask anyone to get me stoned,and it has no control whatsoever over me.And of course people always tell me that if I didnt smoke it,maybe I could afford cable,well those people dont know me.I can afford cable while I am smoking it.I choose not to pay to watch t.v..And if I was asked to stop smoking it,I could and I would.I didnt smoke it for 4 years,why did I start you might ask?I dont know,I cant remember,pot kills brain cells you know.And why do I continue to smoke it.Because I can.
because I do things when I am stoned.Things that lay around my house needing a place to go...they go when I am stoned.Dusting that needs to be done,gets done.I have more energy when I am stoned then I do when I am not.Good energy.The kind that makes you re-arrange a room that takes 7 hours to re-arrange,yet you had a blast doing it and glad that you did it.But whatever,its not my habit.My habit is the pills.And it comes and goes,sometimes it leaves me for long periods of times...only to come back and visit me.I know how the habits work.Regardless of what they are.And I know that they are hard to break.And this is why I am not stupid,and this is why I am not going to be stupid and play house with the Vernage until the hard part is over and the habit is broke.Until then,he can do it as much as he wants,which only pushes playing house further into the future
12:31 a.m. - 2005-12-03
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