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Make love not war
I am starting to feel a bit better.Went to go work out yesterday,put my weights up once and even did an extra 20 on the ab thing.So it made me feel better.Yet I started sweating like 6 minutes after I started to do some cardio....that was kindof bad.I have told myself that regardless of how I feel or how much energy I am lacking...it dosent matter.I HAVETO continue to do this whole "situation".I feel so much better about myself even though its a bitch to get to that point. *Secrets Out* My manager and I were discussing the whole Tom Cruise and Katie deal yesterday.I told him that I thought Tom is the way he is with her because he is getting up there in age and wont be able to do much better sooner or later.So of course he is going to be happy...after all...its a much younger chick.And then I told him that that is why the Vernage is with me,just joking around and all,and when he asked me why I was still with him,I told him because of the good sex.He said that was good enough.And may I add that I really needed to get laid?Usually I could care less if I have sex...not one to go all crazy and stuff just because I dont have it.Anyways I get myself off more then anyone could ever,so whenever I did have sex,it was more for him...or her,then me.But I will tell ya something.With the Vernage...I get a little annoyed if I cant reach that certain point.Just cause sometimes its alot of work getting him off,but in a way I am still cool with it all.Last night was super.I got off so good that I couldnt believe that I actually NEEDED
sex.And when we both were done...he even said that maybe we needed to make LOVE again since he couldnt fall asleep.Not fuck.Not screw.Not laid.Not sex.But LOVE.And maybe thats why I got off so well...it wasent our typical fucking,it was actually quite nice.Maybe I am more the "love"type then the "fucking"type.And I was happy that he was here last night.Even though I kindof snapped on him when he wanted me to leave my now broken dvd player alone...my mind was set though....and after all...it is my house.I ended up listening to him after a minute and brought Tys dvd player in my room.We laid in bed and watched the Skeleton Key,he fell asleep...I watched the movie and when it was done,I turned off the tv,wrapped my legs and arms around him and we actually made out.And maybe the way he was kissing me,the way he was touching me,the way he made me feel wanted...actually played a part in the shaking of the legs,the wanting more,the whole orgasam deal.And I thought it was pretty damn cool. *Look but dont touch* Im getting more work done on my shoulders tomorrow.Told the Vernage that I didnt want to get drunk tonight because I didnt want to bleed very much.So I suggested a movie maybe.I told
him that I could have a couple beers cause i kindof want to see my bartender but I know that if I go into the bar...I would only end up leaving hours later.Anyways I really want to stop drinking so much.This time...I think its a real feeling.I have been a drunk since Kyle has left me,and it has taken a toll on me I think.My skin is awful,I smoke alot more,and I really dont feel "okay"after a night of drinking anymore.I just do it way to much.And Monday night I was proud of myself because even though I was smoking the ganja...I never had anything to drink but tea.I didnt even have beer in my house for a while,until yesterday where I think I had like 4.Unlike my typical twelver.It could just be a phase too. Hold on tight to your dreams
Josh invited me to have some moonshine with him.I didnt answer him though.I kindof left that subject out.I want to be friends with him again.I just dont know if it could happen.I am scared to let him know me now as this person....
whatever that means.I am different yet the same in alot of ways.I have someone in my life that I am learning to care about.I have someone in my life that I can care about.And thats the biggest part of me that is different.I am learning to do things now.Learning to move on,learning to accept,learning to let go.And I know that it would be really fucked up for him to know any of that.I was so much more different then I am now comapared to what i was when I hung out with him.And I am afraid that he wont accept what I am now,which could lead me back to where I was.And I might say that I want to go back to that person sometimes,but I really dont.Happiness is always going to be a struggle with me,yet back then...
happiness wasent anywhere near being my friend,I didnt accept that I could be happy because I never allowed myself.And sure,there are times when I totally regret alot,times when I am not happy,times when I do struggle and argue with happiness,but I still fight for it,and sometimes I win,other times I dont.But I still fight for it,because i do want it now.
8:16 a.m. - 2005-11-30
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