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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yougurt And Beer *Comfortably Numb* Went to the bar the other night.Here Rodney is talking to me about Vern.And of course because I have been a complete drunk.I guess I said something to the wrong person who just needs to start talking shit.Whatever.But it did make me think.Rodney made me feel like a WHORE.And Rodney also made me believe that I am one.This guy is a fucking coke head.Crack head whatever.But he always thinks that everyone respects him cause he has the "hook ups"or whatever.I never respected him,yet listened to him,and now that fucker can kiss my ass.All because he made me feel like a whore.Because of Vern.Rodney even told me that if he had a boyfriend that died and he was like me,then yea,he should hate me.I have fucked up.I realize that.I so fucking know I did.Okay...I accept that.And I am sorry.Yet,why the hell am I saying I am sorry to someone else other then ME?So I have been thinking this Vern thing over.And yea,I will fuck up.So why bother?Yet I do.I sit and wait for him to drive past to go to the bar,I want to see him when I walk the dogs.Yet..gee didnt I do that with Bob for a minute?So let me learn.Let me keep fucking up.And if thats how my life is soppouse to be...then let me live it.Fuck Rodney.Stupid crackhead. *Strong Urge To Fly* Vern drove past yesterday.Didnt wave.Made me feel more like a whore.Today me,Mel and Danyel were walking to find Ty and he drove and stopped and said that he saw Danyel wiping her windows out but didnt see me.I told him I hide in the shadows.That Im sitting on my lawn chair close to the car in the driveway.He said he should stop next time cause he never sees me.So in a way I wanted him to stop.I told him about going swimming and such,so he probably left the bar before I even got home.But i still sat outside.And waited. **Is there nobody Home** I want my life back.I know.I know.I KNOW.I cant have it.I know this.I dont want to be reminded about it.But even before it got bad.Before the stupid make believe relationships.Before when I was alone.and no one knew me.Fuck it.I want that one back since I cant have the real one back.Before I was a stupid whore.Where everyone knew me.Ha ha.Im the neighborhood whore without even realizing it til now.I need my valuims back.I need something.I hate myself totally.I havent been out to his grave.Im forever hung up on some stupid guy and now I am always reminded that i am a whore. *Just nod if you can hear me* I want things to change.I want a normal fucking life.And if I have this so called crush on Vern.Then who cares what others say?Let me live it all out without needed to be fucked up.Let me feel a certain way.I want a a normal relatiomship.I cant do this anymore.Always searching shit.Always getting attached when its stupid because I am stupid.I want normal things again.Even if it means to be un happy and by myself.I was okay then.When I had no one.When no one cared. 1:02 a.m. - 2005-06-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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