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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chillin in the lawnchair Sometimes I can get so relaxed that its unbelievable.Tonight,I sat outside and even though it was 100 yesterday...its going to raion tonight so its a bit chilly.I sat there with my sweatshirt and tank top on.And after Mel and Danyel left.I felt it.I felt HIM.What its like to be dead..or at lease feel it.And I was cool with it.I found out that I probably think of dying more then anything.And even though I talk about living and such.Living is not peaceful.I sat there with my eyes closed and smelled the air.The breeze.Thought about laying down and having that feeling forever.I tuned out everything.Here I sat.And I breathed it all in.I took it all in.No worries.No sounds.No nothing.And I loved it.And maybe understood a little better.Im going to see him again.And thats it.I know he wanted to be peaceful.To just be there.To be just wonderful.And he might be missing stuff.ALOT.But he needed to be peaceful.He needed that certain feeling. ~*~The phone rings, I told myself today that it dosent matter what anyone thinks of me.Im going to try to do the "Vernage".What if I am wrong.What if it would lead to something?And what if not?It dosent matter.Something good hasto come out of it all.I NOTICED him.I SAW him.The first time and I think alot about him.It might make me feel awful after...it might not.There nmight not even be an after.Who knows.But then again.I know.I know cause people will always remind me.I will always know.But have I even tried to forget about those people that remind me and do what I want to do?No.Never.I thought good with Mark for a minute.But I knew.Him I knew.Josh...no.I thought Josh was different.Okay.He knew soppously.Tony was stupid.I shouldve known but played stupid.Bob.He was different.He made me feel okay.Until he got stupid.Until he got to close.I dont know what this is.This whole Vernage thing.I think it is different.Even though I thought Josh was different.This is different from Josh.Maybe.I dont know.I dont know him all to well.And I dont want to wake up beside him ever again until I do know him which means something to me.Josh knew me.Bob didnt.Bob didnt really like me.No lets just say he didnt know me sober.And I didnt know him.It was a drunk thing.But Josh knew me.Josh fucking knew me.Vern knows nothing but I want him to know me. *You Cant Break Free* Vern is like....broken.And if someone is broken,something made them that way.And it can be fixed.It just takes more to fix something then it does to break it.Heres this guy who gets fucked up almost every night.And he is a good guy so far.And I think he would treat a person right.But you can tell in a way that he has given up.When he shouldnt.So what if he is fucked up alot.What else does he have to do?He goes to work.Maybe a good job.He does everyuthing he needs to.For himself.And thats how it is,and thats why people get fucked up alot.I do the same.Let me just pass out.Let me not fight the sleep.Let me just be happy.Cause the beer is all I got.I know the feeling. 12:01 a.m. - 2005-06-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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