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I cant remember if we were lovers

Josh emailed me again.Oh joy.I miss him.His friendship.I told him everything.I said whatever I wanted with him.And it was cool.I miss him.Up until IT all happened.He was my shoulder definitely.And sometimes I wish I could tell him about the whole Vernage and what i think and how I feel but I know that it could never be like that again because I know.I KNOW how he feels and such.And I know how much I miss him.I think I love Vern.I say it to him which should mean something to me,but I cant tell Josh that now that I KNOW.And I love Josh.I love Matt.I love Melissa.I love Danyel.I love Mo.I love Amanda,.I love Rodney.I love Joyce.I love Joe Dirt.I love.Yet its a friendship love.You can friendship love.And you can love.I have a certain amount of space in my heart that I actually LOVE with,I love my family(yet dont like some)I love my child,I so love him.I love my folks,I love my sweet Kyle.I love my dogs and I think I love the Vernage.I dont know.Sometimes when I am with him,I can see through him.I see him.I see his soul.Other times,I see just him.Vern.As everyone knows him.And I dont like him very much then,I dont LOVE him.He is just there.Another person.Big deal.But I think like that cause I am trying.Trying to do this and trying to do that,He could never understand me.he could never understand how much heart I still have.He is to useto a different tune.And I understand that....I really do.But right now...I really am trying.
And I am tired.I really am.Sooner or later I am going to throw the flag in and call it quits.And have everything I have ever imagined go down that big fucking drain.But the piont is...is that I AM trying.And I am trying with him,yet still hold on.which is quite fucking hard.

4:30 a.m. - 2005-12-10

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