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tell me what its like to die

So I read some entries I wote a while ago.I have alot of snot in my mose right about now.I miss Kyle.Oh god,how I miss him.I read about him before he died.How I loved him.How I was worried about him doing drugs.Worried about our future.TOGETHER.How we were going to move.TOGETHEER.It hurt.I want him back. dont care if I have someone else.Just the thought of knowing that he was alive would be okay.I figured out that when I cant sleep...its because i think I am going to die.I know its sounds stupid.But its true.I think about how I found Kyle.And how my kid was there.Then I think about how it all felt.And how hard my kid cried at his funeral.How it made me cry seeing my child crying like that.And sometimes at night.Sometimes I cant breath.And I get paranoid.And I hate how it makes me think and feel.My child would wake up to me like that,he would haveto deal with that for the rest of his night.And I cant let him...so I stay up.And I hate it.being scared.Scared that I will die.Scared that I will die and my child will find me.I cant do that to my child.
I cant watch him from above or from where ever.I CANT watch him hurt.I cant watch him feel.And maybe that dosent happen.Maybe you dont watch people after you die,maybe it is true,and you just die and then nothing.But I beleive that when you die,you watch the people you love.Regardless of where you are at.You watch.You watch the ones you love and you care most about.And I dont really want to see my child crying and hurting and feeling because of me.But I do know that I am being watched.That Tyler is being watched.Sometimes I feel him,others I dont.I know he is here though.I still talk to him.He is here,wishing he never left,cause he sure hates seeing me like this,he hates seeing Ty goimg through all I put him through.He watches.I feel him at times.I know he is there at times.I know that it is him that I feel at times.And I could never do that to someone who loved me.I could never put them what I have felt.My kid keeps me going.And he is there to remind me.I cant let go.its not time yet,and here is here to remind me.I cant do what he has done.I am not strong enough.I want and need and will have my child have a better life.Yet..if I didnt have my child...I sure the fuck be right next to him.

5:41 a.m. - 2005-12-10

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