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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Living with Cicadas I am disappointed in this place.Nothing works.Its been a huge part of my life and I doubt it if I can ever let it go. So I still write here.I dont wish to start somewhere else.I started here and I will finish here when that time comes. My mind has been a mess lately. I dont know if my eating dosorder is trying to come back or not but I find myself fighting with the weights when I work out.And sometimes I cry.It dosent seem to make a difference if I eat or not eat.If I work out or not work out.So each day I push myself harder and each day the struggle gets harder.Another thing....I guess according to step-kid 2,step-kid 1 dosent like me.I told step-kid 2 that step-kid 1 was a dick.Maybe I shouldnt have said that.But thats the truth.This fucker complains about everything.Pretends as if he is sick,pokes at his fucking food all the time.So what do I do?I make things for him that he will eat.I try to plan out fun things.I listen to him when he complains about home,I bought him a pair of fucking Jordans.I buy him clothes and I clean his room.I make sure they have soda and juice to drink.So ...he dosent like me?Well...Fuck you. Who kknows how much he has lied to us.How much he has...I guess used me? At first I was hurt.For what? Some little dick that fucking lies cause he is attached to his moms nipple still and still thinks mommy and daddy will be together someday?Hes 10.Get over it fucker.Why dont you ask your dad how he feels about your mom...or how happy his life was with her?Maybe ..perhaps..because the truth will hurt him?FUCK HIM.And his lies.I do realize that this is a kid.But this isnt a "kid" this is a growing young boy and this is how he acts?Why?Because we cant afford to take you places because your mom has half of your dads income?Why?Because I dont let you eat all that you wish to eat?Will McDonalds make it better?Whatever.I was going to disappear today while he is here just so I wouldnt have to look at his chimpmunk face.But why bother?I cant leave everytime so whats the point?Its almost as if its a flashback from Tony days.And with those kids...they LOVED me until the mom started saying shit.So I stopped doing what I did.And thats what I am going to do with step-kid 1. Guess he wont be getting Jordans this year...or getting food thats cooked without what ever the fuck I wish to put in it.Its hard.Its only hard because I was kindof getting use to kids being around here and there and sometimes looked forward to doing fun things with them and cooking for them.Everything comes to an end though.Ill get over it and live my life and go on...just like I always did. 1:27 p.m. - 2015-08-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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