Photobucket I have said to much

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are flies everywhere

I pretty much lost it the other night.But we knew that was coming didnt we?Just freaked the fuck out and locked Nate out of the bedroom all the while I was screaming "get yourself another whore" .Apparently I am a whore? Yep.Hmm. So he left me a nasty little note and I of course texted him some nasty little things.When all the meanness was out of my system, I changed back to myself and asked him if he wanted me to get him beer. Im fucking bi-polar .I have got to be.Dosent matter.We knew something was wrong with me anyways. I have been sitting here for almost 2 and a half hours trying to get myself to call my doctor.Its a rough step for me.Again.When Kyle died I was so fucked up.It took alot out of me to see the doctor and get help.Of course I felt better after. I felt like a person again. Like me. Whatever that felt like.Meds for years.And then ..no insurance.Ill be damned if I am going to shell out a decent amount of money just to fucking put shit down my throat.Its been a struggle.Its been a mess these past couple years.And now I haveto face my doctor AGAIN. Nate once told me I should be on meds.Last night he said he dosent think zoloft would work for me.That my anxiety needs help.Back in the day I was on zoloft and I liked it.I was also on valiums and I fucking LOVED them.A bit to much. Lorazepam was after I was honest to the doctor about taking to many valiums.I never was honest to him about abusing the lorazepams.And honestly,I dont want those.I know how I am with them.And I know I abuse them.Ill call him,as soon as I am done here.Maybe Ill smoke a cigarette first,then go work out.Then call.Either way,its hard.On another note,I took almost all the food out of the frig and put it in freezer bags to be frozen. If its not there,I cant have it. My beer drinking has made me bloated,my lack of getting jiggy with it yesterday pisses me off.I still worked out,just not very well.I have noticed my arms are getting toned once fucking again,and the squats are doing their job. Thats cool.Now if I could just get rid of my bloated belly..that would be awesome.But Im drinking beer again tonight so ...fuck it.

9:18 a.m. - 2015-08-14

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry