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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Boredom kills I took today off since the kids have no school and I thought it would be easier on Tony.Little did I know that it would be a bit hard for me.I realized today how much I have changed,good and bad.Around one I wanted to drink.I wanted to be social.By 3 I started feeling as though I should just go get some wine and start giving myself energy.Its 4 now and my cup of wine sits next to me.With a straw.Its not that I HAVETO drink.Its because I get to bored.Doing....nothing.A year ago,I would have been in the bar.Or at someones house.A year ago,I wouldnt have let myself get bored.Its been a change for me and sometimes I think its good,well,other times I think it sucks.I once wanted more children.And as the boy got older,I realized how much freedom I had and how much fun I never did have when i should have been having fun.Now...at 32,I should be just starting a family and stuff,yet,my boy is almost 15,and my life?Its kindof just starting.I haveto put everything on hold and that to me is a bit hard.I have waited for a long time to travel and do what I wanted to do,and now I am in a relationship where there are young kids,and I cant do what I wanted to do.And who really knows what I would have done anyways.I do know that I would have went to school...somewhere thats not here,and I do know that I would be a workaholic to get to where I would want to be.But now its all changed and I have been over medicating myself and thinking about this quite hard.And I guess its okay...I just haveto accept it.I love Tony with all I have,and I would like to build a life with him,yet I just wish things were different and a bit easier.Like if I had a young kid or if I had already finished school.The thought of only having one life and not living it keeps running through my head,and im confused about how I feel because I want the life I have yet...I want to do the things I want.And I guess you really cant have your cake and eat it to...its one or the other,and I guess,I just haveto take what I have and wait til everyone is grown in order to do the things I NEED to do.And just do those things with Tony instead of myself...as it was planned. 4:07 p.m. - 2009-04-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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