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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At home vacation So,Tony is leaving for a couple of days,and he is worried about me.Same old stuff...the cheating,the moving out..what if something bad happens to me.And really?The thought had crossed my mind to go out and visit people,but the whole"something bad"part scares me too.I do drink and drive,I know...I know,its quite fucking dumb,but it never bothered me,even after all the times I got pulled over and got let off.I always seen myself as"Im okay",when really...I knew I shouldnt be driving.So when he told me about leaving for a couple of days,I thought that maybe this would be some time that I could use to go out and party party party...the more I thought about it...the more I thought about the drive,and how drunk I always get whenever I drink.I am not excitied that he is leaving.He has his trust issues and I have mine.The only difference is that I put mine away because they are always so negative.And I hate being alone.Of course I thought about the cheating issue.He thinks those of me,so I guess it has rubbed off.He didnt tell me much of this trip.I didnt even know it would be over night,when really its a couple of nights.So he gets to go to Michiagan,with these guys and get a hotel and all that,well...who's to say there arent any females?Who's to say that he is gpoing to fuck around?I trust him,but the more he talks about me cheating,the more I try to prove my point to him by saying that I wouldnt know either if he was really going with some chicks or whatever.I have deciced to take this time that he is gone and have my nights at home like I once did.To not care in my own house instead of being out and about.I plan on getting stoned out of my mind,listening to tunes and baking massive amounts of cookies.I plan on writing and dancing,and talking to my dogs.I dont need to or even want to go out and get drunk.What I want,is to be at home and do whatever comes to me.I have nothing to prove to him,but maybe he will soon realize that I am not like the others.I dont need to cheat,I dont need to have people entertain me.I do a good enough job at that by myself.I am excitied that I am making this choice when really...if I did go out,I wouldnt be doing anything wrong,but he has a good point,I am the worst sober driver ever,and am quite the bad drunk driver.I hope he has fun on his trip,I plan on going about my daily chores as I always do.I will work if I can and when I get home,I am going to get stoned.If I can not pick up shifts,I will sleep in and do whatever it is I think about doing.I dont want to go out and get drunk when I can sit at home and type away and that is my vacation,and thats what I want.I will miss hgim while he is gone,but it does give me a chance for some alone time and a chance to vent more then ever.I get mean sometimes and I am tired of treating him like shit when I do get mean,and I do think its because of the lack of writing I do nowadays.Even if I write about nothing...its always about something and I need that time right now.So I love him,and even though I hate being alone and always went out so I wouldnt haveto be alone...he is only leaving for a couple of days,and he is still around me in the house...there is always that "something" to remind me that he loves me and I sure as hell dont need to go out and replace that with anything. 5:59 a.m. - 2009-02-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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