Photobucket I have said to much

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Lite the light

I have so much energy today.Some cocaine would most definitely go good with the day.Although its not noon yet,I have a great need to get fucked up.I havent felt this good in a long time and here I sit thinking about how much more energy I would have if only I had a line or two.That way I wouldnt eat when I haveto cook dinner tonight.Stupid huh?I am much more happier when I am fucked up.Tony brought that up to me one night.About how things changed and why?Well...because I fell in love he says...I said the same.But when I am alone?Getting fucked up is what I want to do.It makes me feel better.And I dont care if I am alone.I am losing weight again and I love it.Yet..not happy enough with it.If I could lose 10 pounds I would be fucking fantastic.I keep telling myself to starve.But the beer is what I like and thats no good when you want to get skinny.Again.I dont think I have an eating disorder,but I do think that I have issues with food.I just dont like it.It makes me feel fat and ugly and just....ugh.That all started back in 7th grade when I threw it all up..and lost some weight.I was no longer the chubby one.Years would past and I became the fat one.Not even chubby.Diet pills have always been my downfall.Pills have been my downfall.I love them.Just as much as I love being skinny.Even now I have pills stashed here and there,but I am not an addict.I can stop and I have stopped.But boy,I tell ya,when I want them...I sure do take them.And I love taking them and I take them for days and days,and they make me happy and they make me not eat and they make me laugh and have fun and they make me do the things I wouldnt do if I wasent so fucking happy.Sex.Sex was always so fun and so fucking about nothing but fucking.And it was so angry that it made me feel fucking fantastic.I cant even tell you how many times I have had sex while I was on something.Because it was quite a bit,but when I wasent on something?I could most likely tell you how many times.It was few.So maybe I have issues with sex as well.Making love.But not with fucking.I think I scared Tony the other night.I fucked him.He told me that when he said that stuff about sex,that he didnt mean it to be nasty,what he really meant to say...is that he didnt mean for it to be so angry.What I should have told him?Why not?The first time I ever had a dick inserted in me?Eighth grade.Down by the beach,by that old concrete house.On the ground in the weeds.His name was Billy and he was my friends boyfriend.She was away on vacation with her family.And here I was on the ground with her boyfriend.Who made me do it.Even though I told him not to.He did stop.As soon as he got that fucker in.He told me he couldnt have kids.Yet years later he would have 4.That was bullshit.I rode home on my bike that night not knowing if I should be happy,happy that I had finally had sex,or if I should be upset.Upset because I told him to stop and really?He didnt.Its funny how you never think that you may have issues from something that has happened so long ago.But I am starting to figure things out.With myself.And really?I have never had someone stick by me as much as Tony has.I have fought a war with myself for so long.About Kyle.About the abuse.About life.And Tony?That guy?Well he...he makes me talk.He makes me let go of the things I need to.He makes me feel okay if I freak out on him.He makes me so god damn great trying to understand me.He takes all of my bullshit and he deals with it.He makes me feel as though I can live my life.That I can start living my life.I dont know if I can be fixed.But that guy?He sure dosent make me feel broken.

11:26 a.m. - 2009-02-25

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