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the world is not the same

Its 40 degrees out.Im drinking a half frozen rockstar thats been in my car for days.And the windows are open....carpet freshner on the floor.Its funny how one day you can feel...and the next?Nothing.Tonys been worried the last couple days.Worried that he is not making me happy...that I seem sad.I dont have that *spark*..I dont have that ~butterfly~ feeling.Its like I have ..lost...it.

I want to stand
up
I want to let
go.


If you cant
hold on
hold on.

I havent lost it.Help me out.I tend to put things on the backburner.I tend to stuff them somewhere deep inside of my mind.Why?
I dont know.Maybe it has something to do with the fact that without pills...theres not to much laughter in me at times.Maybe it has something to do with the fact that somewhere stuffed?I was once loved.That Im scared.That I am confused.I told myself once that I would never do THIS again.I would never put myself through THIS ever.....again.So pills made me happy because I knew I couldnt have THIS.Useless sex,I could have.That was never an issue,pills made that better.

Im not giving up.
on myself.
like I have always done.
I fall in love with you everyday.And in a way..it hurts,cause after all,I was never going to do THIS.Maybe I havent lost that *sparkle*.Maybe the ~butterfly~feeling is still there.Its all there....I just haveto get it "unstuffed".I cant give up on myself.I cant lose yet another thing in my life.
So let me just get through this on my own.What ever I may haveto get through in order to be okay.Okay with whatever that may be.Okay with THIS.

Cause THIS?
I want THIS.

11:01 a.m. - 2009-02-06

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