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gotta stop thinking

**dont close your eyes**
**this is your life**

he makes me smile.he makes that hollow feeling go away for a minute here and there.he makes me think about him so i can smile.its non stop smiling when i chat with him,when i talk with him,when i am with him.its non stop....and that hollow feeling...just isnt there.

**BURY IT**

but isnt that how I was with the others?
didnt i have feelings towards josh for a while there?or maybe this is different,maybe this is real,maybe this is the time i should just be myself instead of changing like i useto.maybe its different because he knows nothing.maybe its different because i dont feel guilty.maybe its different cause he didnt know me with Kyle.maybe its different just cause he has got to be.because its time.maybe i finally met someone that has nothing to do with anything.maybe its a secret because i will not tellhim..this is how i think,this is what i feel.and he cant take that for granted and live on that like josh did.maybe i am just allowing myself to enjoy what i feel for once.maybe i have a reason to.maybe its not meant to be anything.maybe its meant for something.maybe it just is what it is.and its okay right now.its totally okay.its okay,he makes me smile.without wanting to.it makes me smile to think about everything i have ever said to him...and now this?maybe i just feel like this cause the attention was there?

**I hurt myself today
just to see if I still hurt**

and i think that its okay because he is allowing myself to think this way.he is allowing me to feel again.he is tired of me being unhappy and feeling guilty.and he knows that even if i cant allow myself to love again,maybe i can just allow myself to accept the feeling.maybe i can allow myself just to have feelings,to let them take over me in a good way,without feeling any guilt,any shame,without feeling like i have let him down.he wants me to feel.i so know he does.i know he wants to watch me grow.i know he didnt mean to leave me like this.i know that he knew i would fuck up,i know that he knew i would try to heal on my own.and by healing on my own,i would fuck up.and he knows i love him.and he knows that it will never leave.it will always be there.i just haveto grow.im still here,just let me grow.let me heal.he once healed to.he knows how it feels.

**Knockin On Heavens Door**

and it must be a good place to go.cause he went.and i know that he loved me and wouldve never left me like this,but because it was so worth it,because its such a good place he did.and he is still doing his job.he is still taking care of me by letting me feel.and he still makes me smile.and he still likes to see me smiling,thats why he is letting me right now,even if it means nothing,even if it means something,he likes to see me and smile,and i will allow him to,becasue maybe its not worth it,maybe it is,but right now i can smile at how i feel sometimes.i can smile when i talk to someone,i can smile thinking of them,i can smile with no tears.i can smile without them running down my face,or grabbing my pillow.i can smile right now,without doing those things.i can smile right now even if it means nothing or something.

9:47 p.m. - 2004-10-28

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