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I can have it all?

Turn the lights off
and carry me home
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have spent the last 2 nights with him,and i must admit that I dont like being alone anymore.Its just ridiculous
to be like this.He came over last night,slept til almost 2.It feels okay.I keep telling myself that,I keep telling myself that it is okay,it is so okay to move on now,even if this is nothing...it is so fucking okay.He asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship,I told him the TRUTH.I told him that I would,but I dont know if I am ready.Its funny how I have not lied to him,or held anything back from him.I see no reason to.I have nothing to gain or lose with this person.I dont care if he judges me,I never have,so why start?Isnt that when everything else starts?Or ends?Whatever it does.But something happens when you hold back,when you care if someone will judge you.Whatever it is that happens,happens,and it is never good.But its there and it fucks everything up.And I have always done that.I have always fucked up.And I dont want to anymore.I am tired of it,tired of being tired of my life and the way it goes.I am tired.And I dont want to be anymore.And I know I have said it before,I know I have felt like this before,but I really think that this time,something is different,something makes me want to wake up everyday smiling,something makes me not want to be unhappy anymore.Something inside of me wants to come out,and that something has been wanting to come out,its been screaming at me for so long,and I cant ignore it anymore.I dont want to..I can hear it now,and I am listening to it.

**Savor the night**

I know I have met my match.He kissed me so hard last night,he kissed me with feeling.He took my lips and acted like they were his chew toy and I loved it.I wanted so much more of it.I wanted him to tear me apart,I wanted him to put everything he had in him in me.I wanted the force,I wanted to mix the pain with pleasure,I so wanted it.All day long I have ran my tounge across my lips and felt what he gave me,and its not painful,its wonderful.Its wonderful because I FELT it,I FEEL it.And I think of what other damage he could do to me if we ever go that far.And when I think that,I get this incredible feeling in my stomache,and I get so excitied thinking about the damage,I get so excitied thinking about what could be done.

**Blame Yourself**

I think we havent gone that far yet because we know maybe that we shouldnt?I really dont mind having whatever we have where we dont go to "third base",I may want it,I might want to feel what he has for me,but I wont allow it just yet.Or maybe he hasent.I dont know.I totally belive that this time its worth the wait.He makes me want him,and he knows it.What he gives to me now,is so good,its so worth it.I love how he makes me breathe when he touches me.I love how he makes me feel when he takes me into his arms and kisses me.I love the fact that he makes me feel these things again.(even if it does mean nothing)I can smile at things right now.

8:41 p.m. - 2004-10-30

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