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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wonderful wizard of Oz **The Sky Is Gray** And I told him that I missed him the other night,that I just wanted to hold him.I was wasted.And I feel so dumb for doing that,yet he says he understands.I doubt it.Then again,maybe he gets lonely too.Maybe he knows what it feels like to want and not to have.I dont know.I dont know to much about him or his life.I do know though that I cant be doing that crap.I cant be saying things like that.I needed someone the other night,I needed just to be with anyone.Nothing sexual,just the affection would of been good enough.Amanda says that Nick pays her no attention,and that she hates that,I told her to try to go home everynight knowing that you have no one to not pay attention to you.At lease she has someone.And at lease they are there.I hate being so lonely sometimes,I hate having to do stuff by myself sometimes.And sure,when I go out,I do have fun,but once I get home and I look around,its no longer fun.I once came home,and of course I was drunk,but it wasent that kindof drunk where you are just "happy go lucky"I walked home slowly and I noticed things,trees,stars,the sky,shit like that.Usually I go straight to bed,but that one night,I lit a candle,and sat on my couch,thinking,thinking of how different things would be,should be,could have been,and although it is my choice to be lonely,my choice to be unattached,I felt the biggest hollow feeling in me.I felt like the tin man.I felt like I didnt have a heart,and if I did,then there is no more feeling in it.I went to bed crying that night.Not a rage cry,nor a "I hate my life"cry,I cried because of that hollow feeling,I cried because I couldnt feel my heart anymore.And sure,I could go and live this stupid life of lies with Josh,a life of make belive,but even with him that hollow feeling would be there,even if I would go home to him,it would still be there.I cry often to make that hollow feeling go away,I cry to cover it up,and I cry to feel it even more.Sometimes that hollow feeling is so great that I walk around in a daze,I can go through the whole day without realizing what I did that day,I go to bed at night knowing that through out the whole day,all I felt is all I have left,which is nothing.And I would like to change that one day,I would like to visit the wizard and have him give me a heart,and even if he cant give it to me,then maybe,just maybe he could help me find it again. 7:56 a.m. - 2004-10-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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