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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everything I wanted **I am small and the world is big** I woke up today,and the first words out of my mouth,was"Im getting a job"thats fucking funny.I went and looked at workforce,there is not one single job out there for me.I am going nuts,my money is just about gone,I am lucky if I have enough to cover my rent,my change that I was saving will haveto be cashed in just for my habit of smoking,and I cant quit now.I will go nuts.I dont know what to do.I dont even remember what a 5 dollar bill looks like.Amanda has gotten herself a job,its out in Milwaukee,which is great for her,she has a decent car to get her out there...I dont even have that.And these days,thats another thing that has been pissing me off.I have nothing.I do,but all of my shit is old.I need a new carpet,I cant get one,a new entertainment center would be nice,maybe even a chair....something.I hate having people over,this house is just stupid,and I need to go.I need space,I need to go away,I need to get away,I need a fucking decent job. I sat in bed last night,even though I had my so called wonderful valuim in me,I laid there,forever.Thinking.About stuff.About letting go,moving on,about loving,about how things should be and how they will never be and how I need to just fucking accept it,and I cant.I think about him so much,and when I try to think about something else,it dosent work.Nothing works.I find tears running down my face at all hours of the day and night,just because of what a mess my life has been.And why it is such a mess.Could I change it?Yea,I could,but I haveto accept the change first and I cant do it.And I am still scared to make a damn appointment.I dont know why I am scared.I want help.I need the help.I want to be "okay"again,maybe not happy but okay. 8:53 a.m. - 2004-10-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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