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This Cant be the end

Fat and depressed.I made up a bath today,put some rose oil in it,and laid there and enjoyed it somewhat.I put the hot wash cloth over my face and just breathed,,,,slowly,trying to figure out what a "last breath"would feel like.It was kindof,actually nice.

**I wish this never ends**

I thought about how I saved certain
"things".Like the incense,the candels.I thought about how I think that if I dont hold on to them,that a little of him might go away,that I wont remember how it felt,how it smelled.And how I am loving it right now,by using them,to bring him closer.How I would do this often,and then I stopped.I stopped feeling,and I love how I am feeling when I do this,so why did I ever STOP feeling?I have neglected caring,feeling.Tyler is happier at home,he is happier with me feeling only what I want to.Even the dogs get excitied when its like this.A house full of perfect smells,perfect thoughts,perfect feelings,perfect smiles,perfect everything.We all like it better this way.We all like remembering it this way.

3:40 p.m. - 2004-10-18

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