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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leaving Tonight **When I am alone** **I feel much better** Today wouldve been 2 years for Kyle and I.1 year ago,I gave him a card,for our annivarsary,I went with him to fix a dryer,at some ladies house.A fucking year ago.Who wouldve ever thought that he wouldnt be here just a year later?Who wouldve known that we werent going to have some'Kyleonlogy"?Who wouldve known that for the rest of my life,I am going to hurt?Who wouldve fucking known that for the rest of my life,I am going to love someone that cant be here? **I dont throw things away** I knew that this day was going to be hard.And I know that the next one will be just waiting for the next one to come.I know that this starts it all over again.I think about him everyday,sometimes I even still feel guilty,other times I just sit there and think of what he may be thinking,or remembering the times we had,sometimes the times all 3 of us had fun.I went back on my medicine knowing that things were changing for me.Knowing that the so called"depression"was coming back.I knew these things the whole time though.Why I got off the pills in the first place is clueless to me.Maybe I thought I could still handel it all on my own.Or that I could start handeling it period. **I MISS YOU** I never felt love like that.I never "knew"that I loved someone until him.I never knew I could love until him.Even while I was with Dan,I didnt really love him,I felt it...but it wasent real...it wasnt the love I felt with Kyle.And I am afraid,I am so scared that I will never get that feeling again from someone...or that I may not be able to accept that feeling from someone.Thinking back to how he made me feel......he fucking loved me and he treated me right.And he wouldve gave me the world.He fucking wanted me.And I so wouldve given him the world,I treated him right,I showed him how much he meant to me everyday,and because I felt all this,God gave me a punishment for the rest of my life by taking him from me. **We know what we owe** I dont think I deserve all this.I dont belive that I am that bad of a person that God would punish me like this,but then again,maybe he is doing this to me because I really dont belive in him,because I never felt as though there was that so called higher power.Until he did this to me,then I started beliving,I started beliving in stones and orcale cards,and even *thought*about going to church,but would rather not *haveto*prove myself.I wore my strength ring,Josh asked me if I always wore it,I told him what it was,that no I didnt always wear it,and that it was my strength ring....no comment. **Pick Me Up** I put on a good act,no one would ever think that I sit and cry alot still.I am happy,Im happy with the things I have in my life,but Im not happy about the things I dont have in my life,the things that I once had,the things I may never get back,the things I will never get back.I am so good at hiding my feelings and emotions and to me its getting quite old.I go through everday just ...going through it,like nothing could bother me,I dont care about anything...whatever kind of additude,and I am not really like that.Everyday shit bothers me,and everyday....the fact that Kyle is gone...bothers me,yet I hide it. Tonight,I am getting fucked up.I am smoking the rest of my pot,drinking most of my beer,and I am just going to go with whatever comes over me.If I haveto throw a fit..I am going to.If I get so mad that I just haveto cry myself to sleep..I will.Tonight I actually have a reason to escape it all.Tonight..I am just not going to ignore it..tonight I am going to try to escape it.Tonight will be a"oh poor me"night,tonight I will hate myself more then ever,and to think...that a year ago.....I didnt hate myself.A year ago today,I was okay with things...for once.A year ago today I loved what I was doing to myself. **Dont leave without me** So tonight..I am gone,tonight this is how its going to feel to not be in the world,to be in your own little place,where anything goes.This is how it feels to be lost,this is how it feels. " The world is watching, as my wings uncurl; The world is watching, The death of a girl"
7:51 p.m. - 2004-06-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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