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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He says this I went to the Journal times today and placed my ad...its going to be beautiful and when I told my regulars that I wouldnt be there next Monday,they all left me more then what they wouldve.And I hated that.I hated them feeling bad for me...its stupid.I am excitied about my ad though,I think it is beautiful and I worked quite hard on it,and I think I will sleep by him for a night.I know that this will be hard,I know that it is going to be the time where I hate everything.But I cant do anything to make it go away.I know I haveto accept all this.I love him as much as I did a year ago.And people will know this. **I get lost and cant sleep** Josh thinks he got something from me...isnt that fucking wonderful?How could he think that?I could tell that he didnt want to talk to me tonight so whatever..I got off the phone and that was it,is that REALLY it?Who knows.I feel like I should be dirty or something.I feel like he feels that way.I told him that I got checked regularly,and that I never "noticed"anything,yet I feel like some nasty bitch because I know he dosent belive me...yet I have not done anything to make myself or him feel like this.Like I once wrote before..my life is like a god damn roller coaster....up and down ...up and down and I am tired of it.I have feelings for him,I have good feelings towards him and for him to question something is dumb...and if he does have something,then what else can I say but I am sorry,that maybe I had it and never knew,that the only people I could really get it from wouldve been from years ago?So now I am making an appointment and getting checked.I have always been "clean"and never worried but now I guess I haveto......and what if just what if he is covering up something he did?It can work both ways..I have nothing to hide yet I think he thinks that I do,and I really think that he sucks for that.Whatever...I am not going to have this shit in my ife..I cant and I wont,I was honest with him,told him everything,if he still feels the way I think he does,then there is nothing i can do about it...once again I am on this god damn roller coaster,and I have all these stupid feelings for him...but hey whatever right?Soppously I am some whore that have him something,even though I never noticed anything...yet I am that whore that he dosent want to talk to and yes,I can understand that but why be mean?Why do that shit ?Why ask me if there is a reason for my call?You know why?Cuz I am soppously some whore that gave him something and he made me feel like that.And like I said...if I did...it so wouldve been from years ago and since I was with Kyle for a year...I am sure he wouldve said something.I dont know..I am quite confused right now,quite yucky,quite messed up and I just dont know how to think about this all. 1:29 a.m. - 2004-06-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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