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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The \"feeling\"diet **She Was So Ugly** **Yet Beautiful** **She Was Thin** I have been cleaning my house for almost 2 weeks now,"detail"cleaning as I put it,and I think it is quite sad that it has taken me 2 weeks to clean 3 rooms and I still have 2 more to go.I have neglected the little things,such as pictures and little cracks and creases,and I am irrated by it all,only because I realluy didnt think that my house was that bad,I only thought that it was clean whenever I so called cleaned it but after these past 2 weeks,my house was actually DIRTY,and it makes me feel as though I am not the clean person I thought I was. ~Dont waste your time~ on me ~Your already the voice~ inside my head Because of this awful cleaning I have been doing,my diet is back to coffee and cigarettes,I need something to give me energy in order to get myself to even start cleaning,so I have been coming home from work and making coffee,and then I stay up all night cleaning and do the same thing over the next day,I think its kindof nice because then I dont eat,and I dont need to eat,I have enough flab on me to last me a lifetime,I am not going to "waste" away,I just need to lose my lifetime flab so I will want to eat,so I can eat,so I can put that lifetime flab right back on me. **Hello there **The angel from **My nightmare I talked to Josh last night for an extremley long time,it was nice to talk that long,we talked about tons of things,things that matter,things that didnt matter.He asked me how I felt and I couldnt answer him at all.I hate having to tell someone what I feel like or whatever,I am not good with the whole "feeling'thing,I would perfer just to show the person how I feel instead of telling them.And thats what I told him,and it was hard to TRY to tell him,I tend to freeze up when things like that happen,I end up stuttering my words and I get all squirmy and he knows it and he told me thats why he asked me,as much as I try to be more open,it just isnt going to work for me,I have been taught to push everything away,to the back of my head,I have been taught this through out my life,it wasent until I started living MY own life that I taught myself to express myself,through words,through pictures,just not through speaking,I dont know if I will ever be able to teach myself to speak what I think or say what I feel without "hiding"it.It seems as though I would love to let people know,especially Josh,those certain things that I keep to myslef,but when they tend to slip out,I get blank stares,I get those looks that make me feel as though I make no sense,and when I do try to come out and say things,and ask if its understandable I get the same "NO"each time,so why bother trying to make people understand me,or make sense out of me?Maybe I dont make sense to anyone but myself,maybe this is why I tend to keep my world to myself. 2:22 p.m. - 2004-03-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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