Photobucket I have said to much

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pill re-refill

I had an awful night at work,it was so busy and no one was really willing to help,although it kept me from eating so I guess it wasent all that bad.

**Whats The Sense In That**

I have been taking"herbal supplements"for a couple of weeks now,and I realized last night,that I have been taking almost 6 a day,instead of the 3 it says to take,and for the life of me I couldnt remember when I started taking an extra one.I know that when I started taking them,I took what it said to take,I just couldnt remember when i started taking so many.So I got a bit paranoid,I read about the warnings.And it said if "shortness of breath occurs"you should call a doctor a.s.a.p.,and all of a sudden I couldnt breathe,I read about the heart attacks and couldve sworn I felt my heart HURT.So I was afraid to go to sleep.

**It wont take away my love**

I was afraid that I was going to die in my sleep,that my child would wake up next to me.I was afraid that my child would wake up and not know what to do,not know how to re act to it all.I was afraid that my child was going to go through this again.I was afraid to sleep because then my kid would have even a worse childhood,I was afraid that the dogs would me left,that Xena would be left once again,I was afraid that Josh was going to lose yet,another

person in his life and I was afraid to go to sleep because I didnt want anyone to go through what I went through,I didnt want anyone to haveto feel the way I feel.I didnt want that wished upon any one,and I got worried about myself,and because I got so scared and so worried,I didnt take one,at all today,I thought about it,freaked out a bit that I didnt think that I could stand a day without one.

It made me think about the so called reason Kyle took them away from me,one day before he died.It made me think of his pills,the pills that KILLED him,it made me think on why they were both locked up,in the same drawer,and I didnt know where he put my pills until he DIED.I didnt know because I couldnt look in the drawer when he was around,I couldnt let him know that I knew where the key was,but when he went away,I knoew to go to that drawer,I knew that he had his pills locked up,I just didnt know that he had LOCKED mine up as well...in the same drawer.

**You Think Your So Sad?**

Maybe it was a sign,a sign to tell me that those are the pills that would make me leave,make me go away...forever.

Maybe just because I stopped popping "actual pils",maybe that dosent matter,I am still popping something,something that I think cant harm me,something that says on the bottle"call doctor A.S.A.P",something that was in the same drawer as the 'bad pills',something that I thought wasent bad,I never thought Kyles pills were bad...until they killed him.

**I arrived when you

were weak**

So now I am thinking that I need help.I didnt take any of those pills today,but I did take something else,something that I think isnt "bad",something that tons of people use,something that I bought from the gas station,something I bought because I didnt have any"herbal supplements"on me.Something that I took today,something that has really opened up my eyes,something that made me open my eyes,because I do have a fucking problem.

**Who Loves You?**

I was happy when I got off my precribed medicine,I was so proud of myself,but for what reason?I just started taking something else,and when I got bored with that,when my body got so use to it that it just didnt work anymore,I bought something else,something so called better.And when I got worried from that stuff,I went to something else.And now that I have noticed that maybe this stuff isnt so good for me,I am at something else,and I just noticed that,that "something"else is now empty,and I am going to refill it,because well,I guess I cant take pills anymore.

10:17 p.m. - 2004-03-15

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry