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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Choices I had a hard time getting up this afternoon.I laid in bed,looked at the clock and it said 9,so I thought that I would sleep just for a little bit longer,and when I looked at the clock a second time...it was 2:30.Maybe I needed the sleep,I didnt feel like I did though.I missed Joshs call last night,worked kicked my ass,I was there for the whole night,and at one point I had to even "pre chip"my tables which to me,was quite exciting.I love being busy at work and lately we have been starting to pick up which makes me want to work all the hours I can.I actually worked 52 hours this week,and I feel great about it,I guess as long as I am making money,I could care less if I am there for 12 hours. **No time for you** I came home from work on Friday not really wanting to go out with Amanda and Nick but did anyways.And that was a mistake.I had fun,like I normally do,all I wanted to do was dance and I did,I even went up to the floor by myself because Amanda was being her usual self,and I just didnt care,I didnt care that she wasent going to dance with me,I didnt care that I was by myself doing what I love to do.I mustve stayed on the dance floor for at lease an hour by myself,being in my own world,not caring if people were talking shit or not,and when I found myself sweaty and having a dry mouth,I went back to the table,and thats when it all started.Amanda started saying shit about relationships and what happens when you are in one,I didnt say to much,but what I did say,was what I felt,I told here that not everyone is miserable when they are in a relationship and that maybe whatever her and Nick had...is gone now,that it happens,people do grow apart.That was the first time she called me a cunt.As the night went on,she somewhat went on this roller coaster,she would say one thing and then change her mind and flip out calling me a cunt once again.I asked her if I needed to walk home,because I would,I wouldnt mind walking,it was nice out,and its not that long of a walk,she told me to shut up,so I pretty muched ignored her the rest of the night and did my own thing, I did shots by myself,danced when I wanted to and just had fun,by myself.We ended up going to IHOP after the bar where she got on the waiter about his life,and when I told the waiter that he should do what makes him happy,she called me a cunt again.I dont get very upset when someone is drunk and hostile,especially when I know that they are just very unhappy with their life,but I got home on Friday,and laid in my bed and just cried.I cried for what seemed like forever.I cried because I felt hated,I cried because I felt like I lost a friend,I cried because I wanted nothing more then to have Josh right there with me.I fell asleep,and woke up just in time to go to work,where I really didnt talk to her to much.And when she talked to me..it was about Nick,and how much she hated him. **Its time for a Change** I think I will haveto mind my own buisness from now on,I think that I will not say a damn thing to her or anyone else how I feel about whatever problems they may have.I try to be a good friend by saying things,but apparently,it dosent matter.I guess if I dont say what she wants to hear,then Im a cunt.So fuck it,I have no time for that shit.She was hinting me to go out again last night,but I just ignored her,and even though I wanted to be there for her,I thought to myself,that I haveto stop.I haveto stop trying to save her from being mad all the time and being unhappy,and I haveto get her to realize that I have done all that I can to try to help her with her problems with Nick,and that I am done.I am done listening to the bullshit,Im done watching them fight all the time,Im done being there for her,and its hard for me to do that because she has been there for me alot,but I cant do it for her anymore,I cant let her problems get to me,and by her calling me a cunt all night long,made me realize just how much I know about her problems,and how much she dislikes me because I dont agree with her. I went to Joeys last night.I got home,listened to my messages,took the dogs out for a walk,and then walked to Joeys.I couldnt sit at home last night,and even though it was quite late when I went to the bar,I didnt care,I just needed to leave and go somewhere. So I sat there and had a few beers,ignoring anyone that tried to talk to me,and when the bar closed,I left and found myself just walking, wanting to walk forever and think.All the time I was walking I had my hand on my pepper spray waiting for the "walking drunks"to mess with me,and only one asked for a lighter,I gave him it and told him to keep it,that I had plenty more,and I kept walking.I got home only to find my eyes filling up.And I just let it all go,just like the other night.I was upset because I missed Joshs call,I was upset because he is confusing me with all this "Im coming home,Im not coming home"crap.I was upset because at the moment,I felt like I had no one....I was by myself crying with no one to comfort me maybe.I was upset because I have been working my ass off and dont have much time to get anything done.I was upset because I just dont understand people anymore. **It wont take anything away** I wrote Josh a lovely letter,saying to much probaly,but not really caring about what I had wrote either,and I am sure that he has recieved it by now,and I am hoping that he understands it all.I am hoping that by telling him the things I did,that he will think differently now,that he wont be so confused or whatever about how I may feel.But now I feel as though he needs to say more to me,he needs to tell me how he is feeling about stuff.I mean,one day he is saying that he isnt going to work through the fall,another day,he is telling me that he is going to work through the fall,and I really dont know where I stand in his life right now.I dont know what he wants with me I guess.Im fine with him doing whatever he may want to do,but he cant keep me guessing,he cant keep getting my hopes up then down,I cant be confused with what may happen or what might not happen.I guess I just want a straight answer maybe and I do understand if he cant give me one..I really understand it,but at lease give me some idea of where "we"might be a month from now or a year from now.I want and need him in my life,I want to be able to know that I have him here and I want to be able to know when I can have him here.I think about him daily,almost constantly,and I cant keep thinking of how I dont know.How I dont know what he is wanting or what he is going to do.It scares me somewhat to know that I might not have him here as soon as I thought I would,but if I would have some sort of an idea,then I dont think I would be scared.I would know what I haveto look forward to,and if he wants to stay through the fall...thats great...for him,and its okay with me,I can and will wait,but I just would like to know..I just would like to know so I can have some peace about it all. 4:24 p.m. - 2004-02-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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