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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- afriad **That Black Cloud is coming down** I took 2 valiums last night,Im only prescribed to take one.I dont know why I took them.I have been so good not to take them,and then I take 2,Im kindof disappointed in myself.It always comes when you think you are doing good.It just sneaks up on you...every fucking time. **What have I become** I told myself for days now that I have been doing well,I went out ONCE,just once in the last week,thats great for me,and I havent taken a valium for weeks now,and I have so many things on my mind all of a sudden,and I just am angry and sad,and disappointed.And I just feel so awful these days.I told Angie at work today that I feel my age,that I look my age,and its weird cuz I never thought I would be "okay"with myself,and I think I am just starting to notice things. **Who Can Take The Pain?** I am starting to notice how I want to be happy with myself,how I should just accept myself,for what I am,for what I look like,how I should just accept me,for me.But I deal with it by hiding,I deal with it by drinking,I deal with it by sleeping,by popping pills.I cant accept the fact that I may be happy again,that I may just be able to be fucking happy.Why cant I let myself be happy...isnt that what I want?Why do I haveto push the happiness away,why cant I stop trying to accept myself? ** My words I have never said before** I find myself thinking alot about Josh these days.Thinking of Kyle,thinking of Josh and Kyle.Finding myself torn between them.Torn between the two of them.A part of me wants my heart to stay with Kyle,another part tells me to move on,and get to the know the feelings I am having of Josh.Get to understand what they mean,get to understand why I feel the way I do.Just to accept what they mean.And why they mean that,I find myself wanting to do these things more and more,and I hold back on them,because I want to listen to my heart,but I think ,I think just maybe,I am listening to what I want to feel,what I want to deal with,because I just cant accept that I may be happy again. ** You get me all worked up like that **When you tell me that beautiful stuff** For the longest time I wanted to hear the words"your beautiful",I thought I would never hear those words again,for the longest time I wanted to feel how it felt to be "loved".When I was with Josh,I so felt that,I felt so good,and I have had another chances to feel like that,but I never did,I didnt want those feelings with that person,take Tadd for instance,great guy,would do anything for me,says so called"nice"things to me,but I wont let myself feel like that,cuz I dont want to,and theres nothing there that makes me think of him like that,but jesus,Josh makes me feel wonderful,he makes me feel like I have a reason to be here,he makes me feel like I useto.Just like I felt with Kyle,he makes me feel fucking awesome,he makes me smile when I think of him,he makes me like myself,he makes me happy,he makes me think.He makes me think that things will be all right for me.He makes me feel like I have something to look forward to.He makes me want a future,he makes me want to better myself.He makes me want things.He makes me want a life...just like Kyle made me feel. ** To Dark To See** I feel guilty with these feelings that I have,I feel awful sometimes,like I am doing something bad,like I am "cheating" on Kyle.And I know that he wouldve been happy for me,he would of been happy for Josh,I knew him like that,I knew how he thought,he wouldnt be mad at me for letting my heart go the way it should,he knows that he has a part of it,but that I still have alot of heart to give.He did the same with me,he loved before,and he gave the rest to me,and i accepted that and it was okay because it had to be,because I loved him,because he was willing to love again,and yes,it was hard,but he was willing,and it was worth it. ** Its Only A Reflection, **Its Not The Real You** And I feel as though,I as well need to realize that it is hard to have these feelings again.And that its okay to have them,its okay because the other person hasto accept that you did love before,most people dont do that.They get pissed off and jealouse of an X,all because that person did care,that they did love,and that when and if they ever told you that they did love you...you would belive it.Its all fucked up or maybe I am just fucked up,but I knew Kyle had loved before me,and I accepted his love,and sometimes,I feel the way Kyle made me feel,and its all towards Josh,but opposite ,its like he would accept it,he would know,he would know that if I said something to him,that he would know it was for "real"and not a rebound thing. ** You Dont Have to Prove ** Your Manhood To Me** He is always saying things to me,like last night,I told him that I only wear skirts for him and he told me how he was waiting for me to say that for a long time to me,then he told me that he trusts me,and thats cool,because he knows that I can get pretty stupid after I drink,but he TRUSTS me.He knows that its him I want in my life.I may flirt,get some fee drinks but its all innocent,and if he was with me,I would get him some free drinks as well.I am "commited"to him.I am not going to go off and fuck around,he knows how I am...I think.And he knows how I am because of Kyle,he knows that I am not like most. ** Put My Guns To The Ground** He told me he would teach me how to shoot Kyles gun,I loved that.I loved the way he said it,I loved the fact that he would teach me.I loved the fact that he didnt ask me for them.I loved the fact that he was kindof glad that I still had them.I find myself wanting to tell him that these feelings I have for him,are the same feelings I have for Kyle,but I dont think that telling him would be right,I dont think he would totally understand it all.And I am not sure if this is love,I need more time,I need to accept these feelings first because I dont want to hurt him.If I tell him that I love him,I want to make sure that I really do,those words are so sacred to me.I dont just say them,I feel them,I mean them. ** SACRED** "Devoted exclusively to one service or use" I dont want him to think that its because this is the first relationship I have been in since Kyle.I want him to truley accept my feelings,and I as well want to accept my own feelings before I even say these things to him.I dont want to fuck up.I dont want to tell him these things until I accept them.I dont want to have him think that I dont really feel this way.I want him to truely belive the way I feel,and how I think about him all the time and how I constantley want him by me..How I constanley want to want him. How I want his body next to me,how I want to watch him sleep and think,how I want to just look at him and feel the way he makes me feel.How I just want to be with him....forever. ** A Million Miles Away** He tells me that he dosent understand,that he has nothing to offer.You know what I think?I think he feels as though he has nothing materalistic to offer me.I think that he just cant accept the way I feel.I think he just cant accept that I see what a beautiful person he is.He is alot like me,he denies alot,because he feels the way I do half the time.He feels*blah*.He has known that feeling for so long,and once he finally accepted that feeling,a new one comes along,the one that finally accepts the *blah* feeling is pushing that one away and wants to accept the new one. ** Take Me Away** I want to share everything with Josh,I want him to know that my dreams are simple,that I just want a big fenced in yard so my dogs can be happpy,so my kid can go outside and run,that I will have a yard in just to play with my dogs and my kid,so I can have a beautiful garden,so I can feel the fresh air all the time.Its not a bad "dream"most people want alot,and all I really want is a big back yard,I dont need a spectaular house,or a nice car,all my dream is,is a simple family with a husband that loves me for me,and a nice back yard. **Forget the things that went wrong in your life** I have always wanted simple things, nothing much,just a nice backyard and love,money was never an issue,I can be poor and be so happy.Josh told me he had some things on his mind,finding a job here and such,and it made me think how he could work this summer on the boat but he is kindof choosing not to,and I wonder why is that?Why is he going to look for a job here,when he could have one there?A job that he would be so happy at?And I want to tell him"please Josh,please dont do it for me and I dont want to ruin your dream,that you deserve better then me,that I am dumb,that sometimes I hate myself and that you shouldnt haveto deal with someone like me.You deserve so much better then me". ** I aint coming Down** But I cant tell him these things because I want him to do what his heart tells him as well.I want him to take his thoughts and feelings and realize what they may say,or what they may mean. I know that he wakes up to my picture every morning and that makes me feel worth being on this planet,it makes me feel great being in the world,the world of others and not just my own.I want him to not feel "guilty" about Kyle.I want him to "realize"that its okay to feel like this.I so want this feeling to be mutual,maybe I just dont want to find myself thinking that I maybe have the same thoughts he may have.I dont know.All I know is that he is going to start looking for a job here,and not taking the summer job he can have upon the boat,and god damn it,that so means something to me. **Ive messed up better then you know** I want to tell him how I am,how I deal with shit,even though I always try not to mess up,the more I try,the more I fuck up,and I dont mean to screw up by drinking and popping pills,I really dont mean to.I just dont mean to,but I haveto.I haveto because he is not here to give me a reason,if I told him,I am afraid of him giving things up for me,and I so dont want him to do that.I so,so badley want him to follow his heart.And I would be here for him,I would so wait for him to want to start his life,I would so wait for him because I have crazy feelings for him and I love my crazy feelings. ** I can find my way with you** I forever want him to call me,I forever am missing his voice, when I talk to him,I feel as though I am great,I feel just fucking great.I miss him all the time and I wish I could just tell him that,I wish I could tell him that I might love him,but theres no way I could do that 7:48 p.m. - 2004-02-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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