Photobucket I have said to much

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a cup full of snow

I woke up this morning to find that the period has come and for some reason,I dont feel sick anymore.Its funny how its been making me feel the way it has the last couple of times.I had no energy yesterday to go to Barnes and Noble and write,I had no energy to even shower and when it was time for me to go into work,I had no energy to do that either.I sat up last night trying to tell myself that I can fall asleep on my own,without the help of the valiums,the longer I sat,the less I belived that.But I didnt pop one,instead I woke up with 3 hours of sleep only to make the last of my coffee.Tonight,I think I will sit at home and write Josh,not having my tuesday to do it,screwed me up a bit.He hasent called since Sunday and even though I wish he would,I cant be like that.It kindof sucks that I dont sit on the computer as long as I would like,or that I stay at home waiting for the call.I know that I dont haveto do those things,but I want to.I dont want to miss his call,or come home to find his voice on my machine.That would disappoint me,and I already disappoint myself enough.

**Live By The Rules**

I have a feeling that tonight will be one of those nights where I get so stoned that I end up just staying up all night.I dont feel much like drinking,which is a good thing,I am seriously trying to cut back.I am trying not to go out as much or drink at home.I think I have realized that I am just making matters worse by always being fucked up.I think its just fine to go out and have a fun time,but theres a difference to having a fun time,and not remembering it.Anyways it is now known that I dont drive when I go out.It is only known because of my hit and run.It is only known because of my broken mirror,it is only known from my lopsided car.It is only known because I am to afraid to drive now,after many close calls the past couple years,I think its time for a change.

**Take Me Home**

I have to many thoughts in my head this morning.To many things on my mind maybe,to much for me to leave my world and go to work.I hate days like these when I am stuck in my own world of thoughts.People at work give me questioning looks as they sit and watch me write down things on many different pieces of paper as the day goes by.They ask me what I am doing,they ask me why I am so quiet,they want to get into my world,they want to step outside of theirs for a minute and be invited into mine.But I never invite them,no need to,I am just fine by myself in my own world.

**Do You See Me?**

My constant diet of coffee and cigarettes are getting me no where these days.Seems as if the coffee dosent work as well as it useto,and I am

noticing that I am drinking more of it just to stay awake during the day.It has turned into a habit.I wake up and go straight for the coffee pot,and I constantley think about those free beverage coupons I have for Starbucks.I find myself somewhat freaking out if I have no caffine in me,thinking that I will have no energy if I dont drink at lease one cup.Those are what you call "empty thoughts",they get you no where.They just make you keep thinking about them.And since I think about them,I drink more coffee,because after all,if I didnt,how could I make it through a day with no energy?

** A Family Of Fine Whiskeys**

My mom came upstairs yesterday to ask me if she could have some of my Jack Daniels.Knowing that I have almost a whole bottle and that I stole their wine,I felt like I owed it to her.I went downstairs a while later to see my folks drinking their small little drink,and told them to keep the bottle,only to come back upstairs thinking that I shouldnt have done that.When I laid on my bed thinking of that,I thought about how they have these small little glasses for their drink,and how that almost full bottle would take them forever to drink.And I realized that I did the right thing by giving them my bottle.I dont drink from small glasses,I drink from a 22 oz cup and I usually over do it,putting more booze in it then anything else.And when morning arrives and I feel like shit,I always wish I didnt have the hard crap laying around my house.So "thank you folks for making me move onto to step 2,only 10 more to go".

**Trying To Make My Way Home**

We have had a constant arrival of snow.I dont mind the snow,I think it is beautiful,I mind the cold though.I wanted to walk the dogs the other night,I wanted to feel the crisp air,I wanted to see the many sparkles the snow has to offer me,but because of the cold,I didnt do it.There are times when I want to just lay down in the snow and see what the stars have to offer me,times when I think I would feel more at peace if I did that,these are the times when I think winter is beautiful,

and the cold dosent matter,the wind dosent matter,nothing matters but laying in the snow looking up.Its been such a long time since I did that.And its funny how I just dont do it,nothing is here to stop me,theres no one around to tell me that I am crazy,theres no one to bother me and inturrupt me in my world,there is absoultley nothing to stop me from doing it.Nothing but the cold,and when I just cant "feel"anymore,

and am taken in by the feeling,then I think I will do it.And be at peace for a minute.

6:55 a.m. - 2004-01-28

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