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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- late night thinking Josh called me last night,I was quite happy to hear from him again.I sat there for a while after we hung up thinking about how I would love to visit him,but I just cant afford to do it right now.It really sucks,I need a vacation,I never got mine last year and I really needed one then,and I would love to just go away for a while,get away from the job,the people,the everyday tasks.I ended up getting out of bed and looking out the window,and thinking of how there is so much out there I would love to see,the world is such a huge place and I want to see all of it,if not all then most.I envy people who go on trips or who get to travel for their job.And all that led me to wonder,where would I be right now without Ty?Would my life be a little bit more simpler?Would I still be living here?Even when I was pregnant I still had the hopes of going places and seeing things,I thought that I would still do all the things I would want to,I had no clue what my future would hold.I love my child to death,I wouldnt change having him for the world,and I wish even now I could take him places so that he could see the world.At 17 years old,I never knew that it would take me 7 years to realize that I left all my hopes behind,I never thought that I would sit there for 7 years being a doormat,getting my ass beat,working my ass off,taking care of my child,.protecting him from his own home,I never knew these things,and last night I was thinking about it and I realized that I can still do all the things I want to do,it will just take some time,and even though I wasted 7 years of my life,I am no longer wasting it.I do alot of things now,maybe I dont travel but I see things that most people dont see as I do,and I share that ith my kid.And I think I did a good job with Ty,I think he has learned alot from me,from the way I see things,from the way I show him things.I wish that Dan wouldve gave up his rights when he wanted to,it wouldve made things alot easier,but then if I allowed him to do that,what kind of mom would I be?My kid is a great kid with all that he has been through,he turned out great,and sitting there last night thinking about all of this,made me think that I should surprise him with a trip somewhere,even if its not that far,I think he would love that,I know I would.So anyways,I ended up going to sleep around 4 this morning and I got up quite early,and I feel like staying in the paqjamas all day and just sleeping,but I cant do that today,I haveto get my ass up and be a mom,and spend time with Ty instead of sleeping like I usually do. 11:42 a.m. - 2004-01-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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