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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- REGRETS Josh didnt call me the other night,but he called me last night and I was at work so I drank myself to sleep,for the second night in a row.It was okay though.I sat on my floor with my stupid bottle of wine,thinking.I shed some tears,I got angry,I got happy.I slept with the phone by my head once again.I looked back onmy life alot last night.I hate drinking wine because it makes me into a sad drunk,or just a drunk that gets over emotional,anyways,I regret alot that I said and did after Kyle left.I turned into a awful person for a while.I let myself think things that I shouldnt have thought,I let myself feel things that I shouldnt have.And so I sat there last night with my bottle of wine feeling like shit.I sat there wanting my phone to ring.I sat there wanting to talk to Josh and tell him these things.I sat there and wanted so badley for my phone to ring,but it didnt.So I called Tadd,I called this person who is totally in love with me and asked him why I was so fucking great.And why he likes me so damn much.And why is it that people tend to like me,why is it that everytime I meet someone that they haveto like me,that they haveto try to get me?He told me it was because of how real I am.And how I am forward with people and just dont care what others think.I told him about Josh,and how I missed him,and how it was weird to miss someone when I have no clue what is going on with "us".And he asked me why I felt this way,and I told him that I write to Josh every week,always did,and I tell him just about everything,and how it is so easy for me to talk with him and stuff,and that it sucks that I miss him.I told Tadd that I get so mad when I am out and people haveto bother me,and how I get mad at him as well because he is always trying to talk shit to me,and I told him that he and I will never be together,and that I was sorry for that but o well what can you do?That I see him as my friend and thats all I ever seen him as.I told him how for those couple of months,I fucked up.For those couple of months that I hung out with mark,I was fucked up,it was all about not caring,all about getting drunk,all about nothing,and how I look back on it and I hate myself for it.And now that I know how it feels to not want to be fucked up all the time,I hate myself even more for being so dumb back then.He asked me why I dont want to party that much anymore,I told him that I would perfer just to sit at home by myself being a drunk so I dont haveto be bothered by anyone,so I dont haveto get mad,so I can just be alone I guess.I told him about my regrets,I told him how I felt about Josh,I told him I was out of wine.I got off the phone with him and laid on my couch and hated myself for not being able to go back and fix things that I did to make myself so upset.I regret so many things,I regret the fact that I was so fucked up.And I still wished that Josh would call me so I could tell him these things and so I could tell him that I dont regret what we did,that I miss him and that I think about him.And he never called and so I went to bed thinking that maybe he knows how messed up I was for those couple months,and maybe he dosent want to talk to me anymore,maybe he dosent want to be a part of me knowing that I was an awful fucking person.I woke up at 4,went into bed,put the phone by my head and still thought that there might be a chance to tell him my mindful,but it never happened,and I woke up feeling even worse. 10:01 a.m. - 2004-01-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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