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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This could be messy ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ *~*INSOMINA~*~ prolonged and abnormal inability to obtain adequate sleep +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Laid in bed for 4 hours,no sleep.Just thoughts,thoughts that floated around.So I gathered them all up and here I sit,at 2 in the morning.I even thought about going outside to get those wonderful valiums from my car.But I thought that if I did that,it just might take the little energy I do have away from me.I laid in bed thinking of Kyle and how Josh might feel,and how I still get those butterflies in my stomach everytime I think of Kyle.I keep thinking of how he once told me that he couldnt love me the way I loved him,and I now know what he meant by it.He once was engaged,he even still had a picture of her...the only picture he ever kept of someone other then family,and when he told me who she was,he had smiled at his thought, remembering maybe?He had loved her,and even though she had hurt him,and he moved on with his life,she still had a piece of him.He still learned to love again though,it just wasent the same as it was before.He loved me,I know this,but it wasent that first love kindof love.He had loved before,I hadnt.I wondered for a long time if I would be able to love again,if I would be able to feel like I did with Kyle.If I could give someone what I gave Kyle.I will be able to love again,I just cant give the person what I gave Kyle.I would haveto give them a new kind of love,a "new love",something I will be unfamiliar with.And I am sure that I will fall in love again someday,but he will always have that "certain"part of me,that certain part that knows how it feels to be in love for the first time.I will never stop loving him the way I do,he has that part of me.I will just end up learning how to love differently,learning a "new"kind of love. **Pretend Not To See** I think I have learned alot from my time with Josh.I feel some what strange about it.I feel myself wanting to spend more time with him,I feel myself wanting to be with him.And I feel like Kyle is actually smiling at me.Because he knows its okay,like maybe he wants me to make Josh happy.Make Josh see what he had,make him see what he left him,maybe,knowing Kyles humor.And hes smiling at me because he knows that I could be happy again,and get off my damn pills,maybe he is smiling at me because we only hung out with Josh,maybe he is smiling because he left 2 people he cared about,2 people that knew they enjoyed each others company.2 people that are probably wondering what is going on with their feelings right now.2 people that really have no clue on what to do now.2 people that are probably thinking the same thing.And that is why he is smiling. 1:41 a.m. - 2004-01-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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