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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wanting and waiting for life I laid in bed for almost an hour trying to fall back asleep,but couldnt,so I decided to make myself some coffee and stop trying.Its funny how I was so tired last night,fell asleep quite early,yet am up at 2 without being able to fall asleep.I hate these kind of nights.I blame it on Josh this time.I blame it on him because I slept so good with him,I actually slept great when I was next to him,I slept great knowing that he was right there beside me.I slept great knowing that I could wrap my body around his,and know that I could do that.And now that he is not here,or I am not there....I cant sleep,he has spoiled me.It has been 7 months since I slept that well.It has been that long since I felt that close enough to someone that I could actually wrap my legs around them and cuddle with them.It has been that long that I enjoyed it.It has been that long since I waited for it.It has been that long,and now that I know what it feels like again,I want it.But I cant have it,having it would mean that Josh cant go back.Having it would mean that he would haveto stay because of me.Having it would mean that I would haveto ask him to give up his dream for me.And that I couldnt do.Wanting it means that I can wait to have it.Wait for him to finish his dream and wait for him to want it as well,and thats the only way I might be able to have it.And I would do that.I would wait for him to finish his dream,I would wait for him until he wanted it.And if he never wanted it,it would be okay,because it would haveto be,but it still dosent mean that I couldnt want it.And it still dosent mean that I couldnt wait for it.Even if it meant my entire lifetime,I would still wait for it,just to have him be in my life,just to have him here,I would wait,I have nothing but time,and even though time is precious,sometimes getting what you want is more precious,and waiting for it is what makes time so special.Its weird how time can change everything or nothing.Its weird how in one second, your life can change,how one simple word could change your life,how one certain act can change it.How life changes everyday,how everyday changes because of life.How you could map out your entire life,step by step,day by day,but it wouldnt be called life then,how you wouldnt learn anything from mapping it out,how everything would stay the same.How you couldnt want anything,how you wouldnt need anything,life is something you will always haveto figure out,and if you dont,then its not life,then its called a "plan"and I would never want that.I would never want to plan out my life,and thats why I will wait.I will wait for what I want,and while I am waiting I will take life day by day and see where it leads me too.Who knows,I may not haveto wait long,or I may haveto wait forever.I might not haveto wait at all,thats why life is called life,you live,you learn,its one big game,you either win,or you lose,I think it all depends on how you wait and what you wait for,and where it may lead you.And I am going to wait for what I want,not because I want to,because I haveto,and I think its worth it,I think it will lead me to what I want and need,and if it dosent,then at lease I know I took the chance,and that I may still have time to get what I want,and if I never end up getting what I want,then at lease I tried,and it will be worth it.Some things are always better when you wait fot them. 3:31 a.m. - 2004-01-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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