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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fucking Fantastic....Josh **Unbroken Dreams?** My visit with Josh has went well.I slept with him.I dont know,I cant blame it on being drunk,because we did it sober,and I enjoyed it.I dont think I feel guilty this time.But I think he does,I noticed that the picture of Kyle I gave him,was turned over.It wasent faced down on Friday but it was yesterday.He might only be feeling guilty because he had once slept with Kyles fiance,or he might just be feeling guilty because it wasent soppouse to happen.I hope he dosent feel guilty at all,theres no reason to,I made the choice as well,its not his fault.You know what he said to me?He said I was amazing,that I was perfect,and he said that I am beautiful.He told me those things just out of the blue,it was nice to hear that.It felt so good.It felt so good how he touched my hair,tickled my back softly,looked at me.It just felt so good.It feels so good to know that I may be loved as I once was...I know the whole love thing is a little bit to much,but I felt it.I felt "loved"when he touched me,when he looked at me.The last time I felt like that was with Kyle.I felt love with him,and it felt so damn good and I never thought that I would even get a little bit of that back into my life.But I did feel it last night,and it scares me a bit,confuses me a bit,but I loved the feeling,I so loved it.It felt so good that I wanted to cry,I wanted to cry and tell him thank you,I wanted to hug him and tell him that it meant alot to me.But I was to scared,I didnt want to scare him.I didnt want him to think I was on the rebound or whatever.I didnt want to scare him.And he told me that he didnt want to feel guilty and he didnt want me to think he was an asshole,and I kept telling him not to,I kept telling him that it was my choice as well.I have said it a million times,he is a wonderful person to me,and by him telling me those things.. it makes it even better.It makes it better because he told me how he felt about it,and thats cool.He feels something,he feels something towards me and to Kyle.He still has Kyle in his thoughts,and I so respect that,its like he understands that I will always have Kyle in my heart,he totally understands. And he knew that we had love,he dosent think like most of Kyles friends.He dosent think Im like other people who could just sleep with people.I dont know,its just really weird to me,just how I felt.He caught me looking at him last night,and he said that it was fantastic how I was just looking at him that minute,and how he caught me staring at him.He opened his eyes and said "thats fantastic"I said"what was?""How you were just looking at me that minute...thas fucking fantastic."I smiled,and held him and he did the same.He loved the way I was looking at him,and I loved how it felt to be looking at him like that.I loved how it made me think and examine his face and his thoughts,to try to feel his feelings.He was right...it was fantastic.It was fucking fantastic. 6:49 p.m. - 2003-12-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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