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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dropped another pill ** Its just an illusion you see** I took a valium last night,not because I wanted to but because I needed it.I took another one about 5 minutes ago,because I need it.I found a picture of him from last christmas.He was so hungover,we had so much fun the night before.I looked at the picture,and started to cry.I looked through my parents address book tonight and saw that his name was crossed out.Like he dosent exsit.Like he just was never here.I dont know,I dont want to take pills to make it go away,I will haveto be on them forever because it will never go away.I just want to pretend to die,thats all...go somewhere where no one knows me or any of this and just be alone.I looked through the phonebook today for couslers,I dont think my insurance covers it so I guess I will haveto find another job just to pay for my god damn mind problems.I dont know what else to do,its like I work my ass off and there is always something.But I have to go,my doctor says so,and I haveto listen to him.And I think I need it.I hate talking to people but I haveto somehow let it all out and yes,I am so afraid that someone will realize how fucked up I really am but I cant keep counting all these sad days,and I cant keep putting on an act for everyone and is getting harder and harder to fake it every day.I wish I had someone here for me,I wish like hell I could cry into someone and have them hug me and understand,I wish I could just tell someone how I feel and what I am like when Im alone.I wish I had someone here just to be with me and understand.Just to hold me while I cry,just to let me cry and not ask me"oh are you okay".Apparently I am not okay if I am crying,people just say that because they have nothing better to ask,they dont want to deal with it,I need a friend so bad right now....just someone.And I dont understand why I have no friends,I am an okay person,I would do anything for most people,and I never get that back.Never.God,I just want to go away.I just want to stop crying for one day,I just want to be normal,be happy,like I useto be.I had a good fucking life,and now my life is so messed up and I want it to go away.I want my old life back.I want him back,I want my best friend back,I want my future back.I want it back.BUt I know that I cant have it back,so why cant I just fucking go away?Why cant I just be someone else?Why cant I just be happy? 12:22 a.m. - 2003-11-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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