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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- losing it I wont put my hands up to surrender, there will be no white flag abouve my door Im in love, and always will be *************************** He turned my light on last night.I know he did.I was talking on the phone and all of a sudden HIS bedroom lamp came on.His bedroom lamp,the one with the remote,the one that I never turn on unless if I am reading.He is with me,and it flipped me out,I was scared,at first but then I just talked started talking to him.Oh my god,it felt so good to know that he was here.It felt so fucking good.It felt so good and I want it back.I want all my lights to turn on and off,I want my doors to slam for no reason.I want it all,and I want it bad.I had a rough couple of days.It seems like I do the things I do so I can cover up the pain that I have already...does that make sense?I know that it will all just make it worse,I know this,but I dont care.I want to get the shit beat out of me just so I can have a different kind of pain.It doesnt make sense,but yet it does.I am going nuts inside.Wanting to fucking scream all the time and just let it all out but I cant and I wont and I dont understand why.I have some great friends that would totally understand,but I cant do it.His dad sent me a check.For no reason.He sent me money.God Damn him.I need it so bad too,but I dont want to cash it.I dont understand what is going on with me.I work 2 jobs,7 days a week,no money.I am afraid that I am going to get raped or beat up,but yet I take the chances.What the hell is wrong with me?What kind of person have I turned into and why?Why couldnt. I go a different way and get my shit together like I have been saying?I am so dead on the inside,so dead.So empty,so blah,and yet I keep omn smiling.I am a fake,I am a good fake too.I have so many people beliving that I am fine.How can I be fine when my man is gone?When the guy I totally was in love with just left?Im left with unanswered questions,I am left without his warmth,his smile, his laughter,I am left without him,but yet I smile,I smile for the simple reason that I cant let people in to my head.That maybe I am so fucked up that I am scared to let people know things.That I consider it "my world"and the only one that knew what my world was about was my man,because I had that with him.I had that feeling of complete trust and love.I had that,and I never had that before and now I am back to point A and I dont want anyone in it,but yet I need someone.I make no sense,I think I am losing my mind as welll as myself 6:02 p.m. - 2003-08-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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