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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its always raining I have realized that my life has changed forever.My daily tasks are now an ongoing hassel to do,getting up in the morning seems to be a battle and sleep,dosent exisits anymore.My life has changed and it wasent in a good way.Everyday I am struggling to hold it all in,everyday I put on this fake act so that people will not know how I am doing.Truth is,I am not doing well.I struggle to keep my chin from quivering all times of the day.I struggle to keep my eyes open during the day and struggle to keep them close at night.I struggle not to think.I struggle,but it dosent work.I remember when Kyle and I went to the Kraut festival last year,we had sex in a port-o-potty and people were clapping when we came out...it was so funny,and so afterwards,we had sex in the childrens playground..on the highest castle,he bragged to everyone.He bragged when we left the bar to have a quickie out in the car.He bragged about how I got along with anyone and how I could smile for hours at nothing.He bragged to people how I would take care of him when I finished school,he bragged to people that I would do anything for him,and I wouldve.I wouldve gve the world to him.I remember christmas eve,I gave him his watch and we were both crying,I told him that I wanted him to have anything.That he deserved it,and that I wasent taking it back.I remember camping and how fun it was,or how we would steal my parents car and go pimpin around in it.I remember how we talked about so many things...about everything,I remember the first time he told me he loved me and how I cried and wrote him a card the next day.I remember,I remember,I remember ...thats all I have and I want more.I want him back.I miss his snoring,his smell,his smile his butt,his little"dod dod dod"thing he did.I miss how he was so bold.I miss everything about him.The physic said that the answers are there...where?I want to know why this has happened to me.Why did he take my heart with him?Why did he say that WE would have this and that?WHY WHY WHY?I was so in love with him,so fucking in love with him,and he died with that.I have never really belived in any of this spirit crap until now,and I want to feel him by me..I need to know that he is here with me.Let me smell a smell or hear a slight laugh so I know.Last night I thought I saw a thing of smoke,which I mightve,but I dont know.I have his windchime that he bought me when he was in Arizona up in the corner of my room.It is said that if you hang a chime up in the corner of your room,it keeps the bad spirits away and the good comes.I want him here.I want to hear a person walking or someone touching me,even if I see no one.I wanted to take his apartment so bad,and I thought that I couldnt afford it,but I bet I couldve.I hate this place I live at.I dont sleep but yet,my dad is up in my house banging away at something,he dosent even ask.Kyle wanted to get me out of here so bad.We wouldve been in Paddock lake next month.I went back to work yesterday,I am not ready,I am so not ready.I haveto go though,I haveto get some sort of money.I have made 40 dollars in 2 days.It is not worth it.I told a friend of mine that I think I haveto get in school by August,I haveto get the hell out of this place,and my job and be resposabile.I want my own place,not living upstars from mom and dad.When I got my cards read,the lady told me that I will not heal where I am at.That I haveto get out.That there is no space to heal.She was right.Everyday is a battle for privacy,everyday is a constant reminder that I have an extra load on me cuz I live here.Kyle knew that,he wanted me out.He knew how I felt. 5:41 p.m. - 2003-07-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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