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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- going downhill
I went to take a shower today and stared at the wash machine.I remembered when Kyle first came over to fix it,it was on a Wedensday.I had just walked through the door when my mom was all excited telling me"that guy you know is fixing the wash machine,I said"what guy"?I went downstairs to see that it was him.I told him that I owed him a beer now since he came over,he said he wasent feeling to well but maybe tomorrow,and tomorrow came and we were together from that day on.I remember being stuck in his house since I didnt have a key,I think it took him like 2 weeks to give me a key.I dont even have the key anymore.I dont have him anymore.I dont want to go through this anymore.I have been watching all these"beyond"shows.I want to get tickets to one.I want them to tell me what he needs to say to me.I want them to tell me the reason he did this.I want to know things,I want answers and they are not here.The hardest part of this is understanding.Three days before we were going to go to Florida,3 days,why?He slept facing me that night,he never did that.He complained about my bad breath all the time,but that last night..he slept facing me,why did he do that?I can not get the pictures out of my head,I cant block his facing me out,I cant block waking up to him that next morning,I cant stop feeling how cold he was,I cant stop remembering how weird the room was,I cant stop remembering how I felt his stomach to see if he was breathing,I cant stop remembering running to the phone and screaming his name.I cant stop remembering telling the 911 operator that I didnt think he needed cpr,but i was going to go check,I cant stop rememebering turning him over and saying"om my god..he dosent need it" I cant stop remembering and I want to stop.I dont want to remember these things.Or how he opened the window and said"lets listen to the police scanner"I said"okay"he said"its friday night,bar closing time,it will be busy"I cant stop remembering how he started snoring right away,and how I moved the scanner so I could listen to it better,how he wheezed twice.Could I have prevented this?If I knew the fucking warning signs,I wouldve took him in when he wheezed.But I didnt know...I didnt fucking know,and I wanted to.I so want to move the clock back and fix this.He emptied the dishwasher before he came to bed,he even shut the bedroom door for me,I want my life back with him.We had a great life together,we had each other and we loved each other so much,and he is totally gone now.He is gone,and I dont want to belive it and I tell him I love him throughout the day,I smile throughout the day thinking about him,and then reality hits,and I cant stop crying.I made him a stepping stone for his grave.I want him to have a headstone so bad.No one can afford one.I want him to have the most beautifullest one,I want him to have everything still.He deserves it still.He was so good to me regardless of our arguments,he felt so bad about doing things to me.He looked out for me all the time.He opened my eyes to a whole different world,just like I did to him.I never thought that I would actaully fall in love,only to have this happen to me.We had true love,we both knew it too.Neither of us belived that it could feel like that,and we were happy.We were happy we loved each other. 1:26 p.m. - 2003-07-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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