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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY Everyone has been telling me that these kind of things happen for a reason,not to me.There is no reason for this.He was my life,I was his.We were a family,we were going to get this house in paddock lake and raise tons of kids...he called it a Kyleology.We were happy,he loved to see me happy,and I loved to see him smile.We didnt keep secrets from each other,we wanted each other to know everything.We were in love.I will never love anyone like I did him,never.He brought me to life,I brought him to life.I haveto go back to work next week,my finacial status is just about gone.I bought fireworks today,I didnt have the money to do it,but last 4th of July we had a blast,me Tyler and Kyle.I havent visited him yet,I was going to today,but thought tomorrow would be better.I am kindof scared.I have been strong,so many things yet to do so all I have been doing is keeping busy.I havent accepted it yet,and I dont want to.I will never accept it.The last time we went out to eat was at Chancery,the last movie we saw was Bruce Almighty,I wanted to see To Fast To Furious,but he wouldnt let me take Ty to a rated R movie.I have a message on my machine from him,I havent played it yet.My time will come and I am so scared.I am so scared to lose it.I dont want him being gone forever.I want him back,oh god,how I want him back.The worst is at night.I try to sleep,only to find myself thinking of him,I fell asleep watching city of angels last night,I woke up as it was ending,stayed up til whenever,woke up at 6.I dont look at the time anymore,I am scared to.And I seem to always wake up when the birds are chripping,which means 4-4:30,the time he died.The birds are a constant reminder on what time it is,and I dont want to know.I went to talk to the lawyer today that will figure out his 401 K and stuff,she informed me that I will haveto find someone to take the malpratice case.I dont know if I can do it,I want that doctor to burn in hell for doing this ,but yet,I am so dumb on things.I dont even know where to start.I have no money either.I had 1500 saved for our trip.I am down to 1100.That is all I have to my name.And I want him to get a stone so fast,and I want it to be beautiful,just like him,but I dont have that money right now.His mom is changing everything she has said to me.She told me that Sunday she is bringing in her whole family to clean his stuff out.I want the things I want out before that.She took the police scanner,why?That was something we did together at night,almost every night.I wanted to fall asleep listening to it Saturday night,so yesterday while moving out the big stuff,I noticed it was gone,so was all of his clothes,so was his computer.She cannot smash his hard drive on me,god,I hope she dosent.we had so many pictures on it.I talked to Kyles friend Bob about it,well,I sent him an email,and told him that I wanted him to build me a computer with that hard drive,I will buy his mom a new one and maybe he can put some stuff on it off of Kyles without her knowing.I feel bad doing this,but its all changing.Its all about I bought this when I was with him,I remember him showing me that.I dont want to be a bitch about anything,but I bought his hard drive for his birthday,so rightfully...its mine.He bought his computer when I was with him,does that mean its mine?Why do people get like this?We all miss him,we all feel the pain,why make it worse?I am afraid to ask her about his plane ticket.I guess they are good for a year,so I thought maybe me and Tyler could go if I can get his ticket in Tys name....I know he wouldve wanted it that way,he took care of us like that.He always took care of things for us,and now I am lost.I dont even know how to hook up any of the electronics I have of his,he always did that for me...now what?Why did this happen to me?Why when I was so happy and so in love?Why when our future looked great together?Why did it happen to us?Why did it happen to me when we were 2 people but bonded as one?Why did he leave me so sad?He hated me sad,he hated it when I cried,why?Why?WHY?WHY?These things dont happen for a reason,bad things shouldnt happen to good people,things like this shouldnt happen to people who love each other,to someone so young,to someone who was a great father figure,someone who was an awesome guy,someone who cared so much about me and my son.Someone who opened my eyes up to everything,someone who gave me happiness.Someone who loved me as much as I loved them. 3:02 p.m. - 2003-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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