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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Time for a change Stayed up last night watching Kyle sleep.Went out on the porch for a while and I did alot of thinking.I think its time to get rid of you.I have written my feelings down for years,I have always vented that way,or figured stuff out that way,and I dont want to do it anymore.I dont know what clicked inside my head last night.But as I laid there watching him,I felt myself wondering things.And even if he is the thing that is bothering me,I want him to know.It was weird for me last night.I dont know if it was because he was understanding about certain things or not.It was just really wierd,like something clicked and whatever that something was,it made me realize that I WANT to tell him everything,even if he dosent listen.I want to share everything with him,and if I did that,why would I need you anymore?Maybe for useless thoughts,but even those I want to share.I sat on the porch for a while,and made a comminment not only to myself but Kyle as well.Im open now.I need and want things to be said and heard.I want to spend forever with him,and in order for me to be hapy for the rest of my life,things haveto come out,things haveto be heard.I dont think it will be hard for me to say what I feel,for some reason whatever happened in my head,it made it easier,if that makes sense.He asked me the other day what was bothering me,I told him people,everybody in general.I dont think he belived me,but it felt nice to say what was on my mind.So today I wrote him a note he didnt understand,it wasent anything real big,just thanking him,I guess just telling him how I felt about something that I wouldve wanted to say to him anyways.I feel so different today knowing how I feel about all this.I didnt want to fall asleep last night since it was already almost 5,I ended up sleeping anyways,and I wasent all that tired like I usually am,its like a new me or something.Kindof fucked up how something as simple as saying what you want to say can make you feel so different.I have great love for Kyle,nothing I have ever felt before,and I dont want to keep anything from him.I am putting our arguments in the past,and starting fresh.So who knows when I will sit here and type again,I know that I will continue to do this,just differently.Instead of putting my feelings into this,I think from now on...all you will be reading is useless thoughts.Not that I care if anyone reads this,I started it cuz thats what I did best,I locked my feelings away,and Im tired of it.I have a good person in my life,who continues to open my eyes on things that he dosent even realize,and for that I love him. Useless thoughts ********************** My doorbell rang tonight,nobody comes to my house,maybe cuz I live upstairs from the folks,which will be changing cuz I hate it here....anyways,it was Erin and Lisa,Erin wanted to know if she could work for me in the morning,and didnt know my number,just where I lived.I smoked with them,talked for a bit,and told her to feel free to work since I need to be at gateway in the morning(which I totally forgot about)they left about an hour after they came.I dont mind people coming over,but not people I know from work.I dont know Lisa all that well,Erin I have known for like 3 years,but we have never really been friends.After they left,I told myself that I hope it dosent become a habit.Ha,ha.I really dont want to hang out with people at work.They all talk shit.Until next time....rock on 12:38 a.m. - 2003-04-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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