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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think......I think.......I think I Know what you are doing, I just act stupid. Sometimes I feel like I am a rebound deal.Not that I have any reason to feel like that,but I do feel that way sometimes.I was talking to Amanda on the phone for like 3 hours and I told her that,she kindof understood.I think I said way to much to her.Lately I have just been feeling weird about things like that,I dont know if it has anything to do with last week or not,I am pretty sure it does,and I really wish it didnt.Kyle called me and wanted to go to eat.I wasent hungry at the time and Ty already ate so I said no,I think he was kindof disappointed,but I couldnt help it,I am not going to eat when I am not hungry.Then he called me I think from a bar,and I guess we both cut it short.I dont want to talk to him when hes fucked up,maybe thats mean to say,but I cant right now,I think I am afraid that he is going to say something else to me,and I dont want to cry,is that wrong?He has been so rude to me lately,not listening to me and other shit,and I sure cant put myself into a situation where I might get hurt.I wouldnt be able to take it.I think thats where the whole rebound deal comes in,I am probably wrong about it,but my feelings are my feelings,and I cant just change them.I think that I am just way to afraid of being hurt,played, made an ass out of...I dont know.But with him not even wanting to listen to me...it makes me think.I asked to go out to the X in-laws with me,why did I even bother?Its funny cause I went to his grandparents for dinner a bunch of times,and he cant even go somewhere with me.Things just arent making sense to me anymore. Im not just some chick you place beside you to take someones place. I was something Im not today.I curled my hair,and it did look cute,but it took forever to do,and then I put some fake nails on which I cant take off since I used actual superglue this time,and you know...its just not me.I see all these girls I guess that haveto do their hair and nails and shit,and I just cant belive it.I like getting in the shower at 9:30 and still get to work by 9:50 or 10:00.I couldnt even stand sitting there curling my hair..it was quite annoying. you used up all your coupons,now all thats left is me Whenever I end up taking a bath,I always look myself over and I dont know if it has anything to do with the full length mirror in front of me or not,but today I noticed these cute little freckles I have on my back.I never noticed them before,and they made me feel beautiful,I just thought that they looked really cute.I wonder when they came,I wonder if they will leave.Its funny how you notice things when you dont look for anything specific. Are you aware of how you make me feel? I think I am getting back on the meds again.I cant not help it.I haveto.I think I am making myself nuts by not taking them.Its like walking on glass with me.I hate it.So thats my plan.I wish someone could tell me why I am thinking so much lately.I enjoy it but not the way things have been going.I dont want to think bad things...think wonderful thoughts,but I think its getting harder.But then again,maybe when I was on the meds,I didnt notice these things that bother me.Maybe I just dont feel very loved right now.I wish I knew where this all was going.I just want to be fucking normal,and if I am, then I wanto be crazy.This whole past week has been hard for me and I dont want that.I dont want a good week and a bad week,I want to be.....sparkly....all the time,I just want to smile all the time,I dont like being sad,I dont like to cry,I dont like to pretend like nothing is going on,but who is going to listen to me?The people I do talk to,all have their own problems,and I would rather help them out,and the only person I should be able to talk to wont even give me a chance to be heard,so what does that leave me with?It leaves me with this.... Until next time...rock on 2:25 a.m. - 2003-02-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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