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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good guy,bad guy Well Kyle and I argued last night.It was so my fault.He was saying something about his ex,and yeah it bothered me,but I tried to let it go,I sat there for like a half an hour thinking about it.Finally I told him that I was leaving and that he pissed me off.I told him that I am not going to fall for someone and get hurt,and that I dont want to replace someone.God,I was crying too.One fucking day that I didnt take my damn zoloft and look what happens.I HATE YOU DAN.I have something so good and I haveto ruin it by saying shit.I felt so bad after we talked.He did say some things that made me smile though.I told him that I cant have these feelings that I have if he isnt over someone and that I am only looking out for myself.He said he was glad that I told him how I felt.It felt wonderful to get it out.To tell him things that I wanted to say but couldnt.It makes me kindof think of just being totally open and saying what I want to him and letting him into my thoughts,but I am also to scared.I think I love him.I really think I do.He told me last night that I loved Rocky---I was like "oh no I didnt"I wanted to tell him that I have only loved one person my whole life,and I fell out of love with him as quickly as I fell in love with him,but didnt want to get that deep,or whatever you call it.I wanted to tell him that I think I love him,but am not sure.That I didnt know how to explain the feelings I have.That I think about him all day and night,that he has changed the way I look at things.And that I am so afraid of being without him.But I didnt say any of it,I was to scared to say it.I didnt want to scare him away.God,I want him in my life forever so bad.I am so scared of getting hurt though and right now that is a big issue for me.I just want to be able to know for sure that I will not get hurt like before.I cant do it over again,I would totally crumble in little specks of nothing....again.I cant do it,there is no way.Okay,so enough.I haveto get over the fact that I have a GOOD guy now,that he wont hurt me like that.Right?Dan and Mary will be getting a divorce soon.At lease thats what I think.She tells me alot,and asks me alot.She is a good person.Dan dosent deserve her either.She threw a glass at him and gave him 8 stitches,after he pushed her.I guess the night before their wedding he pushed her too.What the hell is wrong with him?To think that I thought he changed.He told her the other night when they were fighting that he pushed me down when I had Tyler,that bothered me.He never even said he was sorry for that,and it still hurts me--you bastard.I am starting to have all this anger towards him now that I know he is still the same ole dick he has always been.I feel bad for Mary but dont.She shouldnt of married him.She knew what he was about,and now shes stuck.I told her I would help her any way I could.I know Dan better then her,I know what he can do to someone,and shes got 3 kids in that house,and I am not going to let him fuck their lives up.There is no way.I thought it was hard with one kid,shes got 3 and no where to go.I shouldnt get involved but Tyler loves her and his sister and thats part of his family,and I have to protect them so Tyler dosent get hurt,am I wrong?Dan hasent changed one bit and I have---you stupid dick.He thinks he knows me so well,and everytime he says that I tell him that he has no clue who I am now and that he didnt know me even back in the day.It gets him so mad.He cant touch me anymore,thats why I can say anything I want to him now.I try to talk to him when he is upset,just cuz thats how I am,but sometimes I can still hear it in his voice that he would love to wrap his hands around my throat one more time.Fuck him.I have a great guy,that will never lay a hand on me.And I have a guy that will make sure no one else does either.The doors are closed,the love is gone,and I am happy as hell..........Rock on 1:53 p.m. - 2002-08-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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