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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beyond stoned So I called Dans moms house to see when I should pick up Tyler and Dan answered the phone and he wants Ty for a copule days,so I ask him if everything is okay and he tells me yes.Anyways,then I get a phone call from Tyler at Kyles house,so I call him back and Roxanne answers and tells me that I shouldnt let Dan have Tyler cuz he already snapped at him once and Tyler wants to come home.WHAT THE HELL IS GOIING ON?I mean what the hell am I soppouse to do,she is such a bitch,and I cant trust her,knowing her she is going to try to pull something.But then again,maybe she is just trying to warn me.Oh what ever.I am not about to sit here and worry about this shit.I will ask Tyler when he comes home.Kyle said some nice things to me last night,he told me how he thinks about how lucky he is to have gotten someone like me in his life.A part of me belives he feels like that but then another part dosent.I dont know,I really wish I could just belive that he is not going to hurt me.Sometimes I wish I could just ask him what he wants out of what we have,but then again....its way to early to ask something like that.He will probaly think im fucking nuts.He knows that I am on anti deppresants.He asked me why ,he said that I am always smiling.I didnt tell him the story behind them.I dont want him to know that I was so depressed that all I did was cry everyday.I dont want to explain it to him,I dont want him to know that I was hurt.I just dont want to reveal myself to much,does that make sense?I dont want to talk about my past to much,why bother?I say that the past is the past,that it dosent matter anymore,but if you think about it,the past isnt the past,it will be with you forever,you have learned from it,So that whole saying is not true.People learn not to trust people because of their past,people learn not fuck with someone because of their past,people learn EVERYTHING from their past.Kriss e-mailed me today.Something bad happened to her and I wish like hell I could go see her.I want to be there for her so much right now that it is pathetic.She helped me through so much,after all those years of not talking,we are better friends then ever.She is the greatest friend.Well I havent talked to Kyle since this morning.We didnt go to sleep until 5,hes gotta get up at 7.All I did yesterday was lay on his couch all day well he was on his computer.It was great.It felt nice to do that.I am actually going to watch a movie tonight.I found a couple more tapes in a box I had,and I found the movie"seven"I figured that I could smoke a bowl and watch it and fall asleep.I hate not being with Kyle at night,he makes me feel secure when I am sleeping.So I know that if I just get high as hell,I will eventually fall asleep.I made myself a joint tonight.I havent made those things in like 12 years,It was all big and lose,it was an embarrasing joint..ha ha.I smoked it though,and it still did its job,so that was cool.I picked up like 4 shifts at work.I know that its going to suck working all those hours there,but hey I useto do it all the time,I just wanted to spend more time with Tyler.Its really hard when you haveto do all these things by yourself.I hate working this job because of these stupid hours,half the time I didnt have time to even do Tys homework with him.Until next time.....Rock on 11:17 p.m. - 2002-07-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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