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living friends

**Whatever It Takes**

I had trouble sleeping last night.Not wanting to take a "wonder"pill,ended up tossing and turning,thinking of Kyle.Thinking of the snow and how I wish it would come but dont want it to cause it would remind me of how I would scrape off his Van for him,how I could just barely reach the front window but did what I could for him.How I always let Xena out for him,and made coffee.How I would snuggle up beside him after dropping Ty off and him telling me not to touch him cause I was so cold.I couldnt sleep because my mind was elsewhere.My mind was where it useto be and I just couldnt sleep.Visons of him popping in and out,me looking up at my ceiling trying hard not to cry,remebering the last day I was really alive.Rememebering the last day I wanted to be alive.

**We all collide**

I bought peanuts yesterday for my squrrials.I sat in at my kitchen window and waited for all of them to come but it didnt happen until I put more out this morning and then I sat in the window for a good 30 minutes.I noticed how alive it is in my back yard,how the birds all come together and leave quickly together only to come back in a second or so.How my little squrrial friends seem to be always doing something,keeping themselves busy.How I wanted to be a part of all of it.Part of the movements,part of the "living",how I just wanted to feel.I stopped thinking of all that when I thought about my night and how I tossed and turned and how I just wanted to go back to bed,and thats excatley what I did.I left the little perfect world,the world that separted me and the living and I took my ass back to bed.

11:34 p.m. - 2004-11-16

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