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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I ripped it out for you I want to sleep.Sleep forever only to awaken when I postively haveto.I signed up to work a bunch of hours today,like all day on thanksgiving,all day on Christmas Eve,all day on New Years Eve.Why bother doing the whole family shit?Thanksgiving means shit to me,its a bunch of food that I dont need and dont want,a bunch of gossip between the two sides.I hate Christmas Eve,all I do is get drunk,I get completley loaded and hope like hell a bar will actually stay open til I WANT to leave.Nothing is the same as it was before.Nothing will ever be the same as it was.And I know this.Yet I cant help but do the same old things on holidays just because I KNOW nothing is the same,that nothing really matters.Do I want to act like I am having "such a blast"at the families house,or would I rather be alone,with a bottle or two or maybe even a case of beer?I perfer to drink and get angry and beat myself up,and pass out laying on the floor next to my dogs,what else do I have?Ty wont be here,and I dont want to be anywhere but in my own place,in my own world,doing what I want to do.Maybe I am to scared to enjoy things now.Maybe I just dont want to enjoy anything anymore or maybe I just cant.It sure isnt how it useto be.Its no longer fun,no longer happy.Its just no longer.It all died when I died.I have thought that I have lived since I died but I havent.The living part goes away,the dying comes.Its like being a flower,blooming only to die,and I dont think its really worth it anymore.To try to get out of the dirt to sprout up only to wilt and fade away.I dont need any sun,I dont need any water,I dont need any love.I dont need to live like I once did.At lease I got the chance to live once,and maybe thats all I was put here to do,is live once,to feel what I felt just once.And I am okay with it,really I am.Im okay with being alone,okay with being broken,okay with having a heart that bleeds for something I once had and will never have again.Im okay with hollow eyes,dried up skin,and limp hair.I am okay with popping "my happiness"every morning and popping my dreams every night.And I am happy with popping my energy through out the day.If thats the only way I can live,then why not be happy with my rotted parts,why not just be happy being dead to all the others?Whats the point of even trying to live when I will just go back to being dead?
3:08 p.m. - 2004-11-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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