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leaving the building

*Youve lost that loving feeling*

The Vernage dosent call me at night anymore.Instead he waits til he is half in the bag and then he comes over and tries to get some....it dosent happen though.He came over from the bar on Saturday,and I made him play Monopoly with me and Ty,and through out the game,he sits there and says that he is having fun and bla bla and that he is changing his ways.Bullshit.I woke up to him snoring,woke him up and asked him if he wanted to go to the Milwaukee zoo with me and Ty.Now why would he do that?
This relationship makes me feel like shit.I feel more alone now then I did before the Vernage.And I dont think that its right.I am starting to realize that maybe I am better off in my own world,without him,without anyone.Whats funny is that I was expecting this.I was waiting for it all.And here it is.And I am not going to do shit about it.

I Picked up a Handful
Of dust
And I let it fall this way

I had one of the worst dreams ever last night.I woke up scared,and I woke up thinking that maybe my dream told me something.There are a couple people out in this world who I am sure would love to see me be gone.One of them being Jeff.He was one of Kyles friends,he was again...one of those friends that I tried to keep after Kyle left me.And for a while,it was good.I would stop by his house,have a couple beers and talk to him.Then when the investagator came into work and asked me about the pills,I told him the truth,so of course they visited Jeff,and he visitied me but I hid from him,and he caused a scene at work with my manager.It was what I had to do....it was the truth.He is my love...what else was I soppouse to do?After that,it was all kindof rocky and eventually,it all stopped and I didnt see him around.I have seen him more now then I have in the last 2 years.And my dream was about him.And his mean wacky girlfriend.And even though I was sleeping,I felt the rage they have for me.I have made alot of bad choices since Kyle left.But with those bad choices came other choices that I thought were good.And sometimes I think that if I elimanate everyone out of my life,things will be better.
But I have already got rid of most people,and the people that I have now in my life didnt even know me back then,yet they still dont know me because I cant allow them too.And I dont know if I am okay with that just yet.

7:58 a.m. - 2005-10-03

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