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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thoughts of thinking I feel awful today.I felt awful yesterday.Like there is no need to smile,no need to laugh,no need to let anyone know of my secret self destruction plan.I feel like I no longer have secrets to myself.Everyone knows something.And at one time I wanted it.I needed it.And I think I just thought that maybe I still needed it all,only to come to find out that I dont.And if I do,I dont want any of it.Went past the bar yesterday in my car,saw Vern sitting by the window,saw his car to verify that it was him.I felt something knowing that he was there.A little hope maybe.Only to go home and find myself walking the dogs not past the bar.I have given up on love.Given up on maybe finding that certain someone again.And I only am giving up cause I have tried to hard.And everytime i tried it was all just a joke.Ha ha.Some funny joke that always comes back to me.I thought I gave myself healing time.You know that time when I sat at home and cried.Got angry.Smiled.Fell over with laughter.That time when I would pound on my legs and rip my hair out.The time that i would wake up on my bathroom floor with out a clue?Yea,thats what I consider healing I guess.And I thought it was all okay.To heal like that.To let it all out in some sort of drunkenness or highness.I dont have time to heal.I dont think I want the time to heal.I just want to be drunk,I just want to be stoned.I just want reality to not be.And by my life style,I think i can do that.And maybe I wont be happy,but at lease I can escape the reality of everything and just be okay in my eyes,just be okay.And the only time when I think i am okay is when I am not feeling myself.My feelings.My whatever 5:34 p.m. - 2005-07-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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