Photobucket I have said to much

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Impress me

Oh yes...I forgot to mention last time about another thing the Vernage had said to me that made me ponder.He said that it was my fault that he cant finish during sex....hmmmm...okay now,lets back track a minute.First I shouldve worked out more,then I was the cartoon chick that maybe was called a "chubby"and then he wouldnt tell me why it was my fault.Maybe its an extra 15 pounds..maybe 20,who knows maybe its only 5.It dosent matter.Whatever it all meant,its done and its over with and I really dont care.I had a good workout this morning.I sweated my ass off.And then I went back so massive bodybuilder could show me the lower leg crap.Yea...its going to hurt for a while.But what dosent kill ya will make ya stronger right?So I worked out for a little more after he showed me and now I am all set to go for the morning situation.My eating habits has gone downhill since i started this whole thing.I had a salad today,and I am okay with it,I am not even hungry,although I have been trying not to think about it,which probably helps.I feel good.And maybe thats why I could care less what Vern might have meant or what he thinks.I am done trying to impress people.Its my turn for myself now.

6:11 p.m. - 2005-11-14

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Certain ramblings

Worked from open to close yesterday.Figured that since I had nothing to do and no one to go home to,why not?Came home a hundred and forty dollars richer and a body full of pain.I thought since I worked almost 13 hours that i would fall alsleep right?No.didnt happen.Came home to walk the dogs.A quick walk since the neighbor hood is filling up with crackheads and such.Went to bed,stayed up to watch Cheaters of course,thought maybe I would fall asleep after that.Nope.Didnt happen either.So I read.I read til my eyelids were heavy with sleep.Turned off my light,closed my eyes,only to have them pop wide open.There were screams.Wailing.Screams of death.I laid in bed for maybe 30 seconds listening to"oh please no,please stop...please stop"I sprung out of bed only to dash down the 3 flights of stairs.Went outside with the dogs in tow and stood frozen.Listening without being able to move.I was scared.I was scared for this girl who was crying out in fear.I was scared for myself.I was fucking scared.Ran back in to get the phone,and listened again to the same words over and over.And then nothing.I watched a guy walk through the alley.A minute later I watched 2 girls walk through the alley.So I went in the front of the house only to find out that it was a "little fight" or a "little misunderstanding"as the girl called it.I told her I was freaking out that she didnt belong in the alley at 3 in the morning,that i was going to call 911.Went back inside,laid back down.And my eyes refuse to shut.Needless to say,I heard the stupid birds and couldnt fall asleep til I saw the sun.

*To Cry And Hide*

Today at work,they noticed.They all noticed.I wasent me.No one liked me in this so called mood.I didnt care what they liked.Or what they thought.Ended up crying my eyes out on Mel and Danyel the other night.I love them to death.They are truley good friends,yet they cant understand,and I dont want them to understand.Because I dont even understand why the hell I am so unhappy.And as we were all drunk,Mel tells me that it is okay,I tell her its not and leave.Only to go in to work with the shittest feeling ever.To have the mexicans even tell me that i looked like shit.I didnt care.My puffy eyes ended up going away 5 hours later.Yea,and everyone wants to know me.Whatever.

12:57 a.m. - 2005-07-16

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