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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- three lines of sex The Vernage thought it would be so much better to go sit at the bar then sit with me.No big deal.I feel lonely without him but sometimes when he is around me...I wish i could feel lonely.I sleep alot better when he is around though,and I have been lacking the sleep a bit to much lately.I thought about how I "stick"myself with certain people.Those certain people being losers.And I am not calling the Vernage one,but I have been thinking alot and noticed how most of the people I have been with have nothing to offer.That nothing being material things,most didnt have anything at all to offer.No emotional support of any sort.But then again,most of the time these people offered sex,which was probably what I wanted.And then as soon as I got the sex,I wanted more at times.Just not from that same person.Instead,I did it all over again.Stupid.So today at work,we were talking about Christmas and what we wanted from our"other half".I said a teapot.Miss Joycie told me that they are only like 10 bucks and why dont I ask for something else?I have my reasons and I shared them with all that were standing around listening.The Vernage has no money.I dont expect to get some extravagant gift from him.I dont expect him to give me something"oh so special"that will just set him back in the long run.I dont want that.And Miss Joycie just laughed at me and told me that I am a stupid girl.I didnt get deep into the conversation.I saw no reason to.I dont want anything from the Vernage that he couldnt keep on giving me.He does give me what I need...maybe not all the time,but right now,it cant work that way.As in future talk...I would want more from him,and for him.I want him to be stable.Not to have his phone shut off,not to haveto struggle,and not to waste his money on those things most call"fun".I cant ask him to give me something that he cant.And I cant ask him to not to give me what he can.I laugh inside my head at him when he talks about living together.And I laugh because it is quite funny.At forty three years old...you would think that he would have his shit straight.That he would be able to pay his bills,to have money set aside,to be able to do more.But then again,what kind of life has he had compared to the one he has now?And this life is still new.The whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing?It takes time to get useto certain things that come with a relationship,And the way i see it,if he really does want a future with me,he will realize in time what he has to do.And if I really want a future with him...i as well will haveto realize what I haveto do,and when we decide to have a future together...we will know just what to do.I am not going to be married to someone who sits at a bar all the time.I sat at home for 8 years when I was with Dickhead...and never again will I be in a relationship by myself.I can not be married to someone who has no sense of money.And I cant be married to someone who just isnt mature enough to be married and know the responsabilites that come with the marriage.And I am not saying that marriage should change everything,yet I personally do not want to be the wife that supports the house.I do not want to be the wife who hasto worry about where my husband is and why am I sitting at home?Vern gives me alot.He gives me what he can.And its perfect right now.Right now I dont haveto be scared of the future,I dont haveto worry about anything but my kid and me.So if all I want is a ten dollar teapot...who the hell cares?
I read about threesomes the other day and how they are not good for a realationship unless that relationship is based just on sex.Isnt that the truth?I was fine with it the first time,just to do it,just to experience it.We were all drunk and stoned and it was quite fun and pretty clumsy,and we could laugh about it.The second time,it wasent me who wanted it,neither was the third.And then we started fighting about it,and then certain things would get brought up in our fights.Certain things such as"Ill go fuck her"and "why dont you just fuck her".And sometimes I would catch the wandering eyes stop between them,and I would know what they were thinking.And it made me feel like shit.And of course...as with any guy,Vern is all about it.Talks about it enough.And I thought and I thought about it and everytime I think about it,I still see that bright colored sign saying"NO".It would ruin it.I know this.And I dont think he quite understands.And then there is the whole threesome with him.And another guy.And he talks about it,and I tell him that it would be fine with me,but I wouldnt be with the other guy.I cant get jealous over another guy,even if it would turn him into a full pledge gay guy,but he could get jealous over another guy and me,and anyways,I am in a relationship with HIM.His dick is the only one that belongs in me.The only one I will allow,and I have thought and thought,and I want him to live out his fantasies,as i do too,yet i really dont have any.I am not boring,but if I want something from sex...I will get it.And I never needed certain things,Im one of those spontaneous fucks.The kind that gets her kicks off of just doing it when I want to despite of where I am.And thats what I like.Its not a fantasy at all,and because I am a spontaneous fuck...I dont believe I need to have a fanatsy.Then again,maybe I am boring,maybe Vern has every right to want a threesome,regardless if its male or female,but I dont think I could ever do it again for someone,I think it would haveto be a "together"thing.Where both people want it.And Vern is fine for me,i dont need the extra action,and if I ever do,then hey...thats great,at lease Ihave a boyfriend who would totally get his kicks off of it,but right now,its just not for me **Let It Snow** 9:10 p.m. - 2005-12-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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