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learn to live again

Im in his world.As much as I think,Im am in his world,but then someone always takes me out of it.I sit here and I think....I am with him,but I am really elsewhere.Is that wrong?I have great friends at the bar.I have people who think about me,who care about me.I have people who just want me.I have people.Those are the ones I want.The ones I need.The ones I accept.I think about Bob,I think about how much fun I have when I am out and I run into him,I think about Tammy and when Irun into her.I have these bar friends that I know
and I have grown to be a part of them.I just want to go out and have a good time,thats it.No issues,no worring,I go out to have fun and I think I am liking that fun a little to much.

**See My True Colors**

I am lonely.I cant admit it though.I so called have to much fun to admit it.Yet when I NEED to stay at home,I hate it.I am so lonely.I fantasize about someone being with me,I even talk to this so called person.My imagination is to much for me sometimes.People think I am so crazy,crazy because I do the things I do.Crazy because my imagination is to much.Sorry.I want certain things,and I need certain things,and if I haveto pretend then I will...I dont give a fuck what others think,they are not me,and they dont know what I want or need.

**Everything is alright**

I want to be in a relationship,like the one I had before.Not just sex,but everything but the sex.I want the needing,the wanting,the laughs.I want it all.I want to have what I had.And I know I cant get it all back,but I can get most back.I want to be happy with someone.I am so tired of being alone.Tired of tossing and turning,tired of talking to that imaginary person.I am just tired.And I deserve something damn it....I know I do.

**Its times like these**

I hate my christmas tree.I want to take it by its top and hate it as much as I can.To me,its the ugliest thing in my house.I dont even care that I put it together wrong.I hate it,I hate everything that goes with it.This year I didnt even bother to pull my other tuppawear from the basement.There is no need.I hate everything these days.I just want someone...anyone that I can love ...love me back.Anyone.It dosent even matter.But then again,can I even love anyone?Whatever.I am popping more pills tonight,fuck it all.Fuck anyone who makes me feel okay,it dosent get either of us far

6:17 p.m. - 2004-12-12

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