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Its been forever

I am begining to sleep less.The birds reminded me this morning of a few things before I forced my eyes to stay shut,only to wake up hours later wishing I could pop some pill and make it all go away.I have no motivation,
nothing...nada.I feel no need to talk,to shower,to do anything but sit and think about the could have beens and the should have beens.And thinking of those things?It makes me want to scream,pull out my hair,hate the whole fucking world.I just wish I was somewhere...anywhere but where I am.Somewhere where I could scream,where I could rip out my hair and the spots of baldness wouldnt matter,somewhere magical,somewhere that makes all this crap just go away.I cant stop thinking about him,and when I think about him,the tears come,then the eyes get puffy,which makes me look even more like shit which reminds me of just how shitty i feel.I miss him so much.I miss him every second of the day,every second of the night.He is the first thing I think about when I wake up and he is the last thing I think about before I sleep.He is in my dreams,he is in my thoughts,my tears,my heart...my everything and I just dont know how I am going to continue to act like my life is okay...happy.People are already starting to ask me why i am so quiet,why
am I not "acting"like myself?Yet I dont care,I just want those people to stop asking me questions and leave me the hell alone.I just want to be alone.Alone in my house,in front of my computer,listening to my music,loving my dogs,smiling at the child.I just want to be able to feel like shit,yet be happy with that feeling.Cause that shitty feeling?Its never going to go away.Theres always moments where it creeps away,but it comes back.It always does.I think I am going to go buy myself some flowers.

11:54 a.m. - 2006-06-16

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