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So fucking alone

I am going to cry tonight and I dont want too.I miss the Vernage.I miss HIM.I miss alot.And I dont deserve to miss.I shouldnt haveto miss.Yet,I do deserve it.I have loved before.I know what it feels like.I know that it hurts,
I know what it all feels like.I cant get caught up with the Vernage.I want to refuse to,yet he lingers.As well as HE does.Something with the Vernage swallows me.And what an asshole he is.For making me feel like this.For making me go back to my "normal" deal.Yet..I can NOT do it.I cant sit there and take the hurt,I cant sit there knowing certain things.I cant let certain things come back into my life.I cant let the drugs make me happy.I can not make him let me dwell.Its not worth it.Theres no flowers hidden away on the car,theres no effort.Theres no little notes.There is nothing.But empitiness and I am feeling his hurt.His pain.And I feel for him.But also feel for me.And right now...I HURT.I dont cover it all up by drugs.I feel what i feel.And I am going to feel it.Even if it means that I haveto dwell on it all.What I feel for him right now SUCKS.There was something there.There is something there.It just sucks that neither of us can do it.

12:52 a.m. - 2005-10-22

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